cricket with balls

What do you do if you are a cricket team who everyone expects to win things, but who suddenly find that the world is against you? People keep doing inconsiderate things like dismissing your very expensive batting line up for almost no runs, or hitting your equally expensive bowlers all over the park, and it feels like the whole world is against you.

In such circumstances, there is only one man who can save you. He might not have played any first class cricket for almost three years. He might have spent most of those three years on the golf course. And he might be almost 41 years old, but the only thing to do is to send for St Brian of Lara, saviour of slightly-rubbish cricket teams for the past two decades.

Surrey obviously feel that the only way to salvage their season is to call upon the man who spent most of this century dragging the West Indies side around on his back. The great saviour himself has deemed their interest worthy of a quick stroll over from his home in Trinidad to see what all the fuss is about.

And that fuss, in a very large part, must be about money. Surrey are happy to spend it in the hope of attracting even bigger crowds to their T20 games. Lara is happy to receive it if the price is right, it seems.

All of which is a bit odd. Lara is older than and has played less recently than any of Shane Warne, Matthew Hayden or Adam Gilchrist, all three of whom have struggled (by their own high standards) in the IPL this year. And Surrey don’t exactly have a good record with their off-the-wall T20 signings – anyone remember Chris Lewis’ comeback?

Of course, nothing has been signed yet, and it is quite possible that when Lara sees that he will be captained by Fotherington-Tomas, coached by a man who makes the WICB look like pussycats and put up with Andre Nel snarling around the place, it might lead him to return swiftly to the clubhouse.

On the other hand, for the first time in my life I find myself hoping that something does work out for Surrey. The prospect of Lara playing T20 cricket (a format which he has never played) is too enticing a prospect to ignore.

Chris Lewis always wanted to be a leg spinner.

He was sick and tired of being a medium paced all rounder.

Chris wanted to bowl leggies, flippers, wrong ones, and sliders; he believed he was pre ordained to practice the dark arts of cricket.

It was an all consuming obsession, and when all the English captains refused to let him bowl leg spin, a little piece of Chris died.

We all know what happened next; the consequences of restraining people from bowling leg spin is almost too much to handle.

Let us hope this tragedy will never happen again.

Old cricketers have a few options available to them.

Pundit, administracrat, coach, ICL player, or drug mule.

The first three require brains, or nude photos of important people, the last two don’t.

Had Chris Lewis played in the ICL he would not have trafficked illegal drugs.

If he was bowling to Craig McMillan and batting with Stuart Law he wouldn’t have time to put cocaine into cans and take it into the UK.

You can’t do both. Obviously.

The question is what is  worse, to be a drug mule or an ICL cricketer?

If Lewis had received a 6 month sentence, he could realistically be playing international cricket before the ICL players (talent, dedication and age not withstanding).

There is probably more money in playing for the ICL, if they pay you, not even Lalit can get you jail time for playing in it.

On the plus side prison uniforms are usually way more flattering than anything the IPL has.

The ICL has Mayanti Langer, in prison Chris Lewis is the Mayanti.

Going to prison gives you street cred, playing in the ICL means you hang with Chris Harris.

And in Prison you don’t have to deal with Tony Greig.

Chris Lewis has got it easy.

Ceci, of Ceci and Mel fame, found this photo of Chris Lewis in her archives.