cricket with balls

First class cricket is pretty cool.

It is way better than manga or trip hop.

But it isn’t for everyone.

Dirk Nannes has stated to this very website that his favourite form of cricket is 2020.

To most people that is sacrilegious.

Dirk is not most people.

As far as cricketers go he is the Kakihara of the modern game, cool, unusual and must watch.

He does things differently, is different and goes about life in his own way.

So when he says he is quitting first class cricket on the eve of a second straight shield final, you shouldn’t be surprised.

Dirk’s record in first class cricket is pretty good, an average of 25. So it isn’t like he is shit at it.

However, this year he has played one game of first class cricket.

In his short time he has never played a full season.

I’m not even sure he could make it through more than 3 full games in a row anymore.

And why would he put his body through this?

There is more chance of you walking in on Sarah Palin naked then Dirk playing test cricket, so why would he put himself through it?

As a Victorian fan I am disappointed, but if it means he will continue to play cricket at the top level for Australia, Delhi, Notts and Victoria I can’t really complain too much.

He will still remain the 2020 bone crusher, and that is what he does best.

Batting average of 51 this year.

Bowling average of 22 in his career.

3^rd leading wicket taker in shield cricket this year.

Can legitimately claim he is from NSWales.

Built like Jesse Ventura’s brick shithouse.

Is called the duke.

He is no Steven Seagal, but other than that what’s not to like?

Where is the hype though? Do I have to everything myself.

Surely Hastings has done enough this year to get a few people singing from his hymn sheet.

I saw him play a couple of 2020 games a few years back and I thought he looked like a player, I didn’t really expect a season like this.

So I am starting the hype, the boy can play, his stats are pretty, and if he keeps taking wickets he should be pressing for a spot in some team in the future.

Although he still couldn’t get Smooth Eddie Cowan out, but few can, as he is still the leading shield run scorer of the year.

Another post from the Omitted. A new omitted as well, I am building an army of omitted volunteers now.
For the last couple of summers, the only thing I have enjoyed more than Mango Weis Bars in the bath has been been hurling abuse at Shane Watson and wishing every move he made resulted in another broken toe nail that would rule him out of the next series.  Not because I knew he couldn’t play – I have always been a huge fan of his batting – but there has been so much to dislike the way he carries himself that overshadows all of his (then) underperforming skills. And then he found himself in South Africa and Abu Dhabi and my abuse turned into applause.

I needed a new target. I did not have to look very far. I have disliked Cameron White for years. The fact his name rhymed with Shitey reminded me there is in fact a (cricket) God. I am not alone it is fair to be said.
Hatred is too harsh a word. I hate warm beer, I don’t hate Cameron White. I just thoroughly disliked him. Part jealousy of the ride the has been given, part arrogant demeanour he gives off – I have yet to see him come in for a beer after a game, he never uses anyone’s name when saying hello, I even played in a game when he captained the great Shane Warne and set his fields for him. Warney responded by ensuring that the ball went everywhere the fielders weren’t just to prove a point.

In the same game I looked up at the scoreboard when he came out to bat and his List A average was 16. How could this bloke be captaining the strongest domestic team averaging 16, pulling facial expressions of a retarded Labrador and bowling more slop than is thrown onto plates of homeless shelters around the country. He could catch, and is the still best slipper in the country. But how does this push you through the national selection set up? Was he giving hand trolleys to Big Merv?

He was the laughing stock of the professional cricketing circuit in Australia. He would bully them in the winter at Taunton to prop up his floundering first class average that in itself was propped up by batting behind Hodge and Hussey on the slow wickets of the MCG.

There was the Indian Test tour debacle that had people closing one eye to avoid seeing such a demeaning act of the sacred baggy green and one open to not miss a second of laughter. Even Sachin felt sorry for him.  This however proved to be  a turning point – it was as though he too realised he could not bowl and to comfort himself he decided to become the most kick arse one day batsman in the world.
It is fair to say I am now a convert. His hundred at the ‘Gabba was as good as I have ever witnessed. Not just the stroke play, but how he timed his run, the eased of how he dealt with pressure. It was nothing short of world class. I still secretly harbour desires to kick him hard in the shins, twice, but in his form, he would probably wind up and slog sweep me over mid wicket for six.

Victoria are the champions of the Racist Chicken Franchise’s bash, for the 4th time out of 5.

They won the final without their captain, import, best 2020 player or CWB’s Nice Bryce McGain.

They did have the raw beastly power of Dirty Dirk Nannes, a man cricket with balls was talking up when people thought he was a mythical beast of my creation.

Nothing mythical about him now, the dude has travelled the world kicking ass, taking names and bearding all over batsmen.

The Australian selectors still want to distance themselves from him most of the time, and I understand that, his masculinity scares them.

But in this final he picked South Australia up like a rag doll.

8 runs in 4 overs.

Nasty.

There was also the wicket of their courageous leader, 8 runs in 4 overs, that is like scary good.

That is like finding out William Shatner is your dad good.

Dirty Dirk was beating South Australia with essentially one little finger (like you know who) so he even threw in a wide, just for giggles.

Now Victoria is once again of the hirsute one’s shoulders.

I haven’t seen a ball of it, but I know how it all went down.

Dirk entered the ground with his top off and the live version of Blind by Korn pumping.

Women fainted, men fainted, aliens fainted.

The crowd then regained consciousness and got in a collective group hug waiting for Dirk to end their dreams, and their children’s dreamds, and their children’s children’s ….

Dirk stood at the top of his mark and breathed fire, literally, for 2 minutes straight before coming in and bowling thunderbolts, literally.

The crowd was heartbroken, and yet aroused.

Any moment of the game that Dirk wasn’t playing was like watching a friend play a cricket computer game, against the computer.

Then, Dirty Dirk Nannes prevails.

The world can then settle down again knowing that there is a force far greater than them out there, it makes them feel insignificant and content at the same time.

If you are one of those people that think 2020 cricket isn’t real cricket, or that this is a passing fad, let me say this, who gives a fuck, the Vics keep winning at it.

Bring on India so the Vics can lose form for the champion’s league again.

Viva La Dirty Dirk!

Buy the book, get a t-shirt, or donate to the whisky fund.

I am sad that Brad Hodge has decided to retire from first class cricket, thus ending any potential engagements as Ricky’s understudy.

Sure I like to take the piss when it comes to Bradley, but he doesn’t make it hard, does he?

Brad never met a microphone/reporter/human/robot he didn’t like to tell that he should be playing for Australia.

He even tried for stand up comedy duties of recent times, with his lawn bowls bit.

The man leaves test cricket with a double hundred against South Africa and an average of 55.  He also added 17000 odd runs in first class cricket.

Brad was one of those that was seen to have a weakness, but not allowed to prove that he didn’t, instead he and his test average of 55 were stamped “shit outside off”.  Perhaps he could get work counselling young Phil.

I was there at the start with Brad, I remember his breakthrough year that had crusty old Victorians giddy with excitement at this teenage batting prodigy, but I was also there when he got dropped, was all but forgotten, and those many seasons when he only average in the 20s.

Victoria’s fortunes were often in his hands. In the late 90s, when he was shit, so was Victoria, but the bigger his ego and output became, the better Victoria was.

In the year 2000 he was re-born and his ego was finally fulfilled as he became the Brad Hodge we know now.

He had that shocking Victorian trait of starting an innings so nervously you can’t believe he will ever come good, but when he does, and those effortless cover drives and flicks off the pads come in you can’t see how anyone could get him out.

The Herald Sun ran a picture of him yesterday that makes him look like some fresh faced politician looking for pre-selection in a State Labour seat.  Even down to the touch of grey coming through.  When a cricketer stops dying his hair, you know the end is coming soon.

I may like taking the piss when it comes to Brad, but to give a bloke six tests who bats like him makes me think the selectors do even more.

Well played Brad, I can’t wait for the quotes now that you are free of corporate restraint.

We will miss the Ego.