cricket with balls

“Oh, he is so cute and loveable; I just wanna take him home to my mum so we can double team him”.

I know that is what you think about little Nathan Hauritz.  But behind that puppy dog exterior is a cold-hearted assassin.  One who will kill anyone to get where he wants.  An aspirational career driven sociopath.

Not only has he led many a batsman to their untimely and embarrassing end, he is also taking out Australian spinners one at a time.

First was beautiful Beau Casson, who was too young to die, but Hauritz took him out during a shield game, but made it look like suicide.  He placed sweets down on a trail that led Beau got to the edge of a cliff and Nathan ran up behind him in a Mr Squiggle mask and said boo.

Then Bryce McGain was taken out when Hauritz bribed Kallis with 7 pigs he killed with his owns hands.  When that wasn’t enough Hauritz showed Kallis and Prince this website, but most importantly the parts about Prince, Kallis and Bryce, to prove that I don’t exist and Bryce writes this site.

And now, Jason Krejza is gone.

It was probably the most horrendous of all Nathan’s crimes, as he did it with help of a whole team of suicidal Pakistani batsmen, and the Tasmanian brain’s trust.

It was disgusting, and when Nathan was finished all that was left was a puddle of blood, excrement and organs, with a newspaper clipping that was mostly unreadable except for the number 12.

Sorry to burst your bubble, people, but little Nathan is an angel of death.

One by one he is taking these spinners out.  Right under our noses.  Yet no one is doing anything about it.

Someone must stop him, otherwise Steven Smith will take a bite of some weird tasting vegemite sandwiches any day now.

Buy the book, get a t-shirt, or donate to the whisky fund.

There is no surprise that on the day that my book comes out is the day Australia has picked a Victorian on debut and a leg spinner, even if he doesn’t play.

This is obviously Cricket Australia’s way of apologising for ripping off my idea.

It is not enough; I would have preferred Bryce McGain.

So am I happy with Andrew Hildtich plucking Smith from his inner bowels?

For

Australia has picked a leg spinner.

He can bat.

He is a wicket taker in limited overs cricket.

He is baby faced.

His name is easy to remember.

His recent form with the bat is pretty tasty.

He has real actual talent.

Moises Henriques will be mad.

Against

Hauritz’s average would laugh at his first class average.

Shane Warne said he should not be picked yet.

He is a batsman who bowls; best way to ruin him is to pick him as a bowler.

It is the Waca for fucks sake.

Jason Krejza invented a super duper mystery ball, and none of us get to see him bowl it live.

Last week he said he bowled bad because the ball was sticky.

He is from NSWales.

Now he has to meet Ricky Ponting.

Get my book, you know, if you want, no pressure.

Ed Cowan told twitter it came out of the footmarks and gave him wood.

Jimmy Maxwell said it hit a crack and was a work in progress.

Terry Jenner informed Australia it was chucking and against the law in his book.

And AGB questions if the selectors will pick someone who bowls it.

All of this because Australia’s off spinning back up, Jason Krezja, got one to go the other way.

About 12 people have seen this ball (it was during a shield game), but it has stirred up some emotion already.

Not be left behind, Nathan Hauritz has jumped on the doosra bandwagon, saying he has one, but he is afraid to use it. Strong words, Nathan.

Bryce McGain doesn’t have one, but he did take 7 wickets for 92 runs in his last first class game and I haven’t stopped smiling since.

Aaron O’Brien probably doesn’t have one, but no one knows who he is anyway.

Marcus North doesn’t care. He is a batsman.

This time last year I was writing about how you’d be better off trying to survive a zombie attack than trying to pick an aussie spinner.

Now there is little Nathan defying logic and common sense, Krezja has a mystery ball, McGain is fit, and O’Brien is taking wickets and making runs.

Four of the top ten wicket takers in first class cricket this year are spinners, last year at this stage there were none, and that doesn’t even count little Nathan, Cullen Bailey or Jon Holland.

Oh baby, Australia is spinning again, both ways.

Australia may not be the spinning wasteland it was, there are options, all rounders, wrist spinners, and now one of their spinners has dabbled in voodoo.

The selectors NSP are even going to use little Nathan at the gabbatoir, even if he doesn’t believe in his doosra yet.

It is like the Oval never happened.

The test squad for the Ashes seems pretty worked out, bar the two all rounders.

But what of the parallel universe, as they prepare for their series, we take a look through the wormhole at the make up of their team.

In that universe they pick squads on Tuesday. Obviously.

M North (captain) – Having cemented his captaincy after Shane Warne’s retirement he fires up the team with sensible slogans and common sense captaincy.

C White (vice captain) – When Cameron is not poisoning North’s meals he is the number 7 Australia has been waiting for since Ian Harvey retired, and his big turning leg breaks are unplayable.

S Katich – This stylish batsman doesn’t make many runs, but when he makes runs, the whole world sighs in orgasmic delight.

M Klinger – Struggling to perform as a Jew, Klinger has had the best run of his life since converting to Satanism.

B Hodge – Although suspected in the deaths of many of Australia’s best young batsmen, Hodge has never been charged, and his form is as good as ever. The selectors love his good nature ribbing.

D Hussey – Inspired by the tragic auto erotic asphyxiation of his brother, David becomes the worlds most dominant stroke maker.

M Cosgrove – Even though Cosgrove’s form is poor, he is selected for the tour on the basis that he gets his weight back up to over 120kgs. Coach Darren Lehmann remains confident he can gain the weight and form.

D Christian – Australia decide to follow the South African example and set a quota of one Aboriginal player in every test. After poor results bringing Jason Gillespie and Ryan Campbell out of retirement, they settle for Dan Christian, and find that he is shit hot.

L Carseldine – Is now technically steel than flesh, but the ICC is slow to move on banning bionic cricketers, and Lee’s metal torso body and titanium legs will be allowed in the ashes.

C Hartley – Is the best keeper in the world, averages 12 with the bat, but everyone knows you take the best keeper regardless of batting quality.

S Tait – Australia finally get the best out of Shaun Tait by employing Rodney Hogg as his full time carer. The two fall in love and get married in the lunacy room.

B McGain – Was humiliated by losing his test spot in South Africa after missing the flight over, but is fired up to star in his first test against England.

M Inness – Even though he had retired, experts realise that Matthew’s first class average was 2fucken5 and pick him for the tour.

D Pattinson – The man the Ashes hopes rely on. His 26 wickets against South Africa in only 3 tests was just about perfect fast bowling.

D Marsh – Some would say that Dan is an odd choice, especially since he is retired, but Chief Selector Rod Marsh said “we needed a hard bastard to toughen these fuckers up”.  Is picked to be the back up keeper/spinner/batsman.

They should do well against Rob Key’s England.

You might be thinking, oh poor Jrod, look what happened to Bryce.

He must be crying into his full english breakfast.

Not so, while bryce has had a weekend worse than the time my foreskin got caught in a zipper, Cricket With Balls’ Own Holly Colvin hit the winning runs in the world cup.

Ying, Yang, and all that stupid shit.

I didn’t pick Holly thinking she would save me from McGain Pain, but she has.

She single-handedly won the world cup for England.

She bowled the most overs in the tournament.

Took 9 wickets at 18.

Had an economy rate of 2.65.

And then hit the winning runs.

But that is all bullshit, what she did was bring presence.

Presence doesn’t transcend into stats.

It is intangible, like turgid yogalates.

But she was the banker for the English team, they knew she wasn’t going to go for many, they knew other teams would have to go around her, like Daniel Vettori, only in a good team.

So while the pain of bryce’s mind fuck performance is there, Holly has evened my emotions out.