cricket with balls

Prince Brendon McCullum has finally done what he had leaked, inferred and generally showed us on many an occasion he was thinking about by giving up his role as test keeper.

No keeper since Tim Zoehrer (who often took the gloves off to bowl leggies) has shown such casual regard for the skill that got him into international cricket in the first place.

The Prince is talented, but that talent hasn’t exactly been oozing out of his stats now has it.

In test cricket, the game where he is giving up the gloves, he has made 5 test centuries – 2 against Bangladesh and 1 against Zimbabwe – at an average of 34.  Low.

In one day cricket, where he doesn’t always seem to keep, he has made 2 centuries – 1 against Ireland – at an average of 29 with a strike rate of 87.  Still not special numbers.

In T20 where others keep mostly, he has made 1 century – against Australia – and averages 33 with a strike rate of 126.  Other than a slower strike rat than you’d expect, the man is a fair T20 batsman.

T20 is the only form of the game where Prince Brendon could give up keeping and be a legitimate force right now.

Sure, ditching the gloves might improve his batting, but it might not.  Being an all rounder in any sense might be a burden on your time, but it also gives you freedom.  You can average 34 as a batsman if you have another skill, but who wants a test batsman who averages 34.

I know New Zealand don’t always have the highest standards when it comes to test averages, but 34 is testing them.

According to Assistant coach Mark Greatbatch, “Brendon clearly understands he will only be considered as a test batsman on his long-form batting performances.”

Dictator Dan has been quiet on the announcement.

McCullum may return to keeping in one day cricket.

The cynical cunt nature of me wonders if this isn’t an elaborate test retirement.

His average is not enough to get him an automatic spot, so maybe he plays a few tests, or maybe he doesn’t get picked at all…

If it is an elaborate well staged test retirement, you have to give the man some credit, it is the double indemnity of test retirements.

I fear it is not, and instead it is just a wicket keeper who thinks he can cut it as a test batsman.

I wonder if he can?

New Zealand set Australia 106 to chase, but even though it was only marginally more than 5 runs an over Australia could not get over the line. Australia’s record in 20 over chases outside Australia continues to be quite shit.

Phil Hughes, who sees all innings as auditions for the IPL incase he gets bad press again, was at his attacking best. In two overs he inspired 23 runs off New Zealand’s most trusted bowlers. This included a smack over mid on for six from Vettori and his normal ugly effectiveness against the quicks. Hughes bludgeoned 86 off 75 balls.

At the other end, Katich protested the whole 20 over concept, his strike rate of 27 was a personal statement on what form of cricket he likes best. Katich was in his complete krab like mode and refused to even pretend to score runs. In the past this would have lead to a fantastic collapse from Australia, but Hughes youthful excitement made the 20 over chase a possibility at times.

While Australia did miss out on winning in 20 overs, they won the moral victory by winning the test. Doug Bollinger kissed his underwear after the match and Ryan Harris’ chest swelled so much that no one could fit in the change room.

New Zealand’s two cricketers, Prince Brendon and Dictator Dan, must be a little disappointed that their side made 564 in total, being that they made 42% of them (I think that is right) between the two of them. Vettori is thinking of changing the batting order for the next match with Tuffey to go in at 3 and for Ingram to bowl medium pace when the other bowlers are tired.

Only the carrot of the IPL can keep the smiles on the faces of the New Zealand middle order marvels.

This game might seem like just another test, but it could be the last time Australia ever enforces the follow on. Even though they won by 10 wickets with their dicks in the air, it must have made them nervous once the chase went over 100. Their nerves must be shot.

It should also be mentioned that Phil Hughes now averages 51.25 in test cricket. It doesn’t mean much, but it makes me smile a little.

Since getting a kiwi test bowler to write some of my book for me it has come to my attention how hard working they are as a species.

Mr O’Brien put in about three drafts of his chapter, which is probably more than I had for the book in total.

He was a busy writer, offering alterations, trying to get it the best he could, really putting in the full 100% percent and taking it one word at a time.

But I didn’t make him write the whole book.

That would have been rude.

He did his part, got it right, and then I let him rest.

That seems to be the problem with New Zealand’s top order, they let their bowlers shoot out Pakistan for under 300, and then a couple of hours later make the bowlers try and save the day.

Their opening batsmen don’t seem to be able to survive an over.

The rest of their batsmen seem to hope Ross Taylor will do the job.

Then Prince Brendon and Dictator Dan have to make as many runs as they can with tired bowlers.

Not fair.

Generally with New Zealand if you want to know what total they will make, you take their total at 4 wickets down, and triple it.

And it isn’t like their tail is like England’s (IE: better than their top order), their tail has the worst batsmen in world cricket (Martin), test cricket’s greatest blogger but shit batsman (IOB), and Daryl Tuffey.

Not a lot of fire power there.

In the old days they might have even declared at 8 wickets down.

These guys bowl, bat and blog, while their batsmen don’t even fucken bat.

Not good enough.

I suggest that all the Kiwi bowlers decide to not bat from here on in until their top order starts making runs. A simple, “fuck you guys, we’re tired”, will suffice. They’ll get the message after a while.

Obviously Dictator Dan doesn’t have to; we know he would go mental if one of his many jobs were taken away. He probably edits IOB’s blog at night as well.

But the rest of them just together and declare the innings shut at 7 wickets down. Force the batsmen to take the handle out of their asses and really try and use it.

I am not a humble man.

Long time readers will know this.

A humble man wouldn’t claim another man’s triumph, especially with such a tenous claim.

But I delivered a blogging kick up the ass to Brendon McCullum, and now he has made a massive hundred.

You could say it was natural talent, hard work, match fixing, or luck.

I’d prefer to say it was me, maybe not 100%, but at least 87%.

The prince should also be congratulated.

Not as Much as I should, but technically he made the runs, all I did was facilitate the innings with swearing.

This is clearly more proof that i should be coaching the New Zealand cricket team, by not giving me the job they are relegating themselves to years of further mediocrity.

If I can inspire a hundred from my computer, what could I get Brendon to do in person, the first player to make a triple hundred in a one dayer, perhaps?

We won’t know unless the kiwis give me the job, the balls is in their court, metaphorically and literally.

Well played, Brendon, well blogged, Jrod.