cricket with balls

A small cuddly marsupial from Queensland. Despite his obvious lack of talent, Nash has ferreted his way into international cricket.  He fights hard at the crease in much the same way a stuttering cross eyed mobile phone sales man does when tying to sell you a mobile plan in a shopping centre. Is not actually White, but is the lightest player to play for the windies since some other whitie. Nash has been described as the physical embodiment of a net bowler.

This was originally on cricinfo, but, even without swearing and perversions, I really liked it. for some reason I forgot to put it up before.

If the apocalypse were to come tomorrow, most of us would be dead. But if Hollywood has taught us anything it is that people always survive. While Kallis, Ponting and Dhoni wouldn’t make it, there would be cricketers who would. And it isn’t always the most popular or talented who survive the end times.

Nathan Hauritz cannot be killed by bombs or global pandemics. This is a man who couldn’t get picked for his state side, averaged over 50 with the ball in first-class cricket, and now averages 30 in Test cricket. There are no weapons that can keep him down. After the apocalypse he would just roam the earth with that sweet little boyish face of his.

Ashish Nehra went through a career apocalypse, but he is back. I wouldn’t bet on him struggling to survive a worldwide nuclear war. He’d still have that look on his face too, the one that makes you wonder if he has any joy in his life. He’d be in a group that lives in Euro Disney; his role would be of the angry one who doesn’t trust anyone, but he’d be rubbish at catching food.

Kumar Sangakkara would make it through. Then, after an appropriate period, he would take over the world. Artists would carve images of him, people would refer to him as King Kumar, and he would be a fair and just leader. His leadership does have problems, but his suaveness and massive intellect mean he would run the world for at least six years. Until he wants to relax and travel.

Ian Bell can never be killed. Regardless of an apocalypse he is going to be around forever. Still looking good and not making runs. In a dystopian wasteland he’d still manage to find his way into a well-stocked mansion, with others doing the work to make up for him. Even when the whole group dies of food poisoning, Bell survives. He is like a mythical creature that way.

Brendan Nash would not only survive an apocalypse, he’d prosper. Once the world had settled, Nash would move to a new location and just tell them he was always one of them. There would be hostility towards him at first, and mild curiosity, but eventually in this new and desperate land he would come in handy and people would even start to love having him around.

Paul Harris would survive. He might mutate a bit, but like a cockroach or a tax officer he cannot be eradicated. Harris will quickly improvise and become an expert scavenger and sell his goods at a reasonable price, considering the location he lives in.

The New Zealand cricket team would remain okay. They would be watching Eagle v Shark in Chris Martin’s basement when the flesh-eating disease spreads rapidly across the planet, killing everyone. Upon exiting the basement they would have some good times and some bad times, but basically they’d just survive. Even though 90% of the world’s population is dead, their crowd numbers in Test matches stay the same.

Rahul Dravid would never even notice the apocalypse. When the aliens came to kill everyone on the planet with their sonic weapons, he was batting. As we know, when Rahul is batting, nothing can stir him. Even two years after the apocalypse he is still out there, marking his guard, trying to get the sight screen to be moved and planning for what field the captain will set for the next ball.

Buy the book, get a t-shirt, or donate to the whisky fund.

When a cricketer walks down the wicket slogging in a crucial game there is a chance that if he misses it he will be out of this game, and perhaps out of the next one.

Cricket, and all sport, is tough like that.

You can be selected on performance, and de-selected on performance.

Cricket Administracrats do not have to worry about this.

They can fuck up for years without fear of demotion.

Even if their error has something to do with their side losing.

Look at the latest fuck up, Imran Tahir, the luscious leggie who is so cool we refuse to bag his alice band.  Mostly.

South Africa lucked into this world-class leg spinner because the dude loves to travel and found himself a wife in their country.

In April 09 he said he was qualified to play for South Africa.

No one questioned it.

Before that he had played in a Presidents XI match against Australia, so he was clearly a chance of international honours.

Then almost a year later he is supposedly qualified and gets picked for a squad when South Africa really need an attacking bowler to help them win, but instead they can’t pick him because he is not yet a permanent resident.  Surely something some official should have known before calling him into the squad.

If South Africa trusted that he was qualified in April 09, why did no one check then on the off chance he might be required?

At best it makes CSA look like a bunch of idiots who have shown that they don’t believe in their spinner but have no other player to replace him. At worst this could cost South Africa the series against England.

There is more though, because it seems that Tahir just doesn’t understand the rules, he thinks that he qualifies because it is four years since he played for Pakistan A, and now is only missing out because of paperwork.

That is not how the system works, as the Times points out (and I have read up on this boring shit before), you need to have lived in the country you wish to represent for at least 180 nights a year for four years.  The times doesn’t think Tahir has, and I have my doubts too.

While these errors were also Tahir’s, someone at CSA should have checked all this out at least two years ago when he was obviously trying to qualify.

And this isn’t some one off. Azeem Rafiq cost Yorkshire points when the played him when he didn’t have a UK passport. Darren “Eyelids” Pattinson played a couple of seasons for Victoria before playing for England, but technically he should have played all his games for Victoria as an overseas player before that, just no one noticed.  Surrey also did a great one when for the 08 season they tried to get Shoaib in for the last four games so they wouldn’t get relegated, by no one checked Shoaib’s visa so he only ended up arriving for the last two games.

Not that it mattered.  He looked shit anyway.

All of these, and there are probably heaps more, have either cost teams or could have cost teams on the field.

I wonder how many people were demoted or fired over it?

Ofcourse the ICC are experts at this kind of fuck up.  How often does an umpire or match referee get refused entry in a country due to visa problems?

But we know that no one gets fired from the ICC, how else would you explain Daryl Harper.

Has anyone even checked if Brendan Nash is Jamaican?  Or did he just rock up with a Marley T-shirt and say I’m one of you, gimme a game?

Buy my book, get a t-shirt, or donate to the whisky fund.

I hate to start your new year with a bummer, but I have been told a terrible piece of information, and how could I keep it from you?

The ICC has had enough of cricketers.  Especially the ones we like, the ones with human emotions.

They thought that the Probot craze of the mid 2000s would catch on, but with their prize probot struggling, M Hussey, they now know a more aggressive approach is needed.

Which is why over the last few years they have been introducing Japanese Humanoid Robots into international cricket.

They are easy to spot, but hard to distinguish from probot cricketers, or shit cunts.

So far, I am told, only a few teams have them, but I haven’t been given a list of players who are in fact Japanese Humanoid Robots.

Ofcourse it would be rude of me not to take a guess at a rough list.

Nathan Hauritz – explains a lot really.  Why Australia kept forcing him in the side and why they picked a finger spinner out of club cricket.

Grant Elliott – explains why he looks like a Hollywood c-lister and came from another country.

Brendan Nash – The real Brendan Nash is probably back packing around Peru talking up that 90 odd against Victoria in a shield final. The Robo-Nash has “Team Nash” behind him; obviously this is a fake ICC MacGuffin.

There could be others as well.

The ICC now has cricket where they want it, on flat tracks with high scores, their priority is playing 2020 tournaments every 9 months, and 2020 is a circus in and of itself.

You might think that the Japanese Humanoid Robots that I have outed are a bit rubbish, but the ICC are working on better ones.

These potential early prototypes are programmed to follow every rule, regulation and law to the letter, and spirit of the law. They will never get upset, have no run ins, every umpiring decision will be accepted and when interviewed will behave in a proper way not upsetting any ICC administracrat or sponsor.

The next step is to make them good at the cricket lark, so they don’t look so obvious. Before long the ICC will have them all bowling the carrom ball at 90 miles and hitting sixes with the bat handle up their asses.

No contention, aggression or subversion, just lovely Japanese Humanoid Robots entertaining us with family friendly entertainment.

I can’t wait.  I say fuck the humans, get the Japanese Humanoid Robots in now, the cricket might be poor for a while, but once these robo-cricketers get their groove on they are going to be so much better than human cricketers.

Before we do, we should make sure the ICC representatives are replaced with, oh, never mind.

My book, the t-shirts, or donate.

Test cricket is defined by its greatest contests.

Larwood v Bradman.

Lillee v Richards.

Grace v lunch.

And now we have little Nathan v bashful Brendan.

A timidoff of epic preportions.

Fuck the lions, this is Christian v Christian.

They say the meek shall inherit the earth, and it seems Nathan and Brendan are trapped in an fierce death roll to see who is meeker.