cricket with balls

Australia’s spinners, the ugliness has been spread around.

Hogg 2 tests

We started with Hogg, why, because MacGill was injured and stroppy, and instead of trusting the most inform spinner in the country, McGain, they went with the one day spinner.

It was a mistake, if Yuvraj and Gunguly didn’t play, Hogg would have killed himself. Instead, he retired.

MacGill 2 tests

Then MacGill was ‘fit’, so he was rushed backed into the side. He was not fit, he was not motivated, and decided to give it up. The problem was Australia selectors did not think this was a possibility. Instead of taking the next best spinner in the country, they took a project player.

Even MacGill has said McGain should have been taken. He wasn’t and Casson was given a test.

Beau Casson 1 test

Casson was no where in Australian spinning. I wrote about the best 7 or so spinners in shield cricket mid way through last year, and he wasn’t on it. I saw him bowl on the same pitch McGain took a five for, and he was ordinary, Victoria treated him like a part timer. I assumed he was playing as a batsman.

Then he took wickets in his last 3 or 4 matches, and he took a fair few, some of them were taken head to head against McGain in the shield final, a game where McGain was injured and Victoria had a impossible chase on the last day but they had a crack anyway and Casson cashed in.

This, and the fact MacGill was fit, meant he got a ticket to the Windies, and then a test match, as flying McGain over for a dead test was never going to happen. He picked up 3 wickets and bowled average, then he was shafted. Now they look to have ruined his confidence forever.

Picking Hauritz before him was like getting his Grandmother to shit down his throat, after the rest of the family have had their turn. By the time he is feeling better, others will be ahead of him.

White 4 tests

Was picked under the” he can bat a bit and when he was younger he bowled ok” ruling for India. The selection never really made sense, and when Krejza came in and did well, it made even less sense.

White hardly bowled for Victoria in the previous season, and in general struggles to bowl to good players of spin. So picking him was their way of saying, the rest of you suck.

4 tests, can you believe it.

Krejza 1 test

According to Tim Neilson, was held back until he was ready. Lucky he wasn’t played a week earlier, that could have been disastrous. I thought he was the best spinner behind McGain, and that still looks correct, his 12 wickets are hard to really judge, but his bowling was good, and he stood under the pressure.

He would be pissed to miss the Gabba, and then Radelaide, especially being replaced by a club spinner, but will definitely play in Melbourne and Sydney.

Hauritz 1 test

Who the hell knows. Ricky seems to think he bowled ok, Jeremy Coney and Paul Allot gave him some stick on sky, I thought he was lucky, to get a test and wickets.

I would have preferred Xavier Doherty or Aaron Heal really.

McGain, never mind

cricketwithballs

Like in Ichi the Killer or Oldboy, the tongue has been cut off, by its owner.

This time however it has nothing to do with honour or having slept with ones daughter.

Or has it….

Brad Hogg has sited personal issues and “things he has to sort out at home” as his reasons for falling on his tongue.

Apparently his wife is pregnant. (Insert Michael Slater Joke Here)

There are also rumours of him signing with the ICL.

I’m assuming as a mascot.

Brad Hogg was upset at having to leave the game, but in leaving he has strengthened Australia’s test bowling line up.

With Stuey obviously finished, and Brad leaving, they both need new careers, and being the caring fellow I am, I think I have them covered.

They should move into a flat on the gold coast and film a soft core porn mobile TV show called Spinners gone wild. Stuey can perform tricks with a bottle of red, and Brad does all sorts of tricks with his tongue.

Perhaps I should write about the career of Brad Hogg.

He was selected as part of the experimental Chinaman scheme that was started by Harold Holt. Michael Bevan and Simon the Krab Katich were also picked under this scheme.

He was thrown into a tour of India because no one else wanted to be embarrassed, and then was picked again when Shane Warne was a drug cheat.

Having a career as an understudy (behind Shane) to the understudy (behind Stuey) would have bothered most men, but Brad Hogg never seemed to notice.

He was just happy to be thought of as a cricketer (by selectors).

As a one day cricketer he was serviceable, and occasionally better than that, he had the amazing skill to look like he was balling badly and still take wickets.

As a test cricketer he was a train wreck.

You have to respect him for getting the most out of so little, I don’t, but you should. I would say that there has never been a spinner with less guile who has had a career this long, so that is something.

George Bradley Hogg (no relation to the great Victorian speedster Rodney Hogg) you have had a career, good on ya.

But thank fu©k your gone.

…
Apparently Shane Warne has retired.

So the Australian team needs to find some spinners capable of taking wickets in Pakistan and India.

Let’s look at the list of contracted and uncontracted spinners.

Contracted

Stuart “Lord Stuey” MacGill the enfant terrible of the private school leg spinning set.

Currently injured and more interested in filming odd ads about wine, but is married to a hot chick.

Has over 200 wickets, but has bad knees and is late 30’s.

May play again, but it looks doubtful, and even if he does he has worse knees than my grandma, and hers are fake.

Brad “the tongue” Hogg is the part time bowler who accidentally became a test match spinner.

Was once a postman, still bowls like one, and is a very effective weapon in one day cricket, but is just not a test cricketer.

People say he is a nice bloke, but I don’t think that is helping him take wickets in test match cricket.

His bowling average of 50 is not gonna help keep him in the big time.

Dan “sleeves” Cullen took 40 wickets one year for the redbacks.

Since then he would be lucky to have taken 40 combined.

Has played one test against Bangladesh, and has a very annoying habit of scrunching his sleeves up before every fu©king delivery.

Was relegated to 12th man for the redbacks last game.

No where near the level needed to be playing for Australia.

Cullen “the other guy” Bailey is the saviour of leg spinning.

So at the moment he is being crucified by not playing.

Right at the moment he is the highest paid club cricketer in the land.

Hasn’t been picked for first class cricket in 4 months.

Not even his father the preacher can save him now.

Uncontracted

Cricket With Balls Own Nice Bryce McGain is the pin up athlete for the blue rinse brigrade.

Sure he is slightly older than the usual debutant (cough57cough), but he does this weird thing, he gets wickets.

If he wore a lighter shade of blue he’d probably be playing right now, or perhaps the selectors don’t like Hugh Grant films.

He is the best spinner in Australia at the moment.

Unless my plan to reanimate the corpse of Tiger Bill O’Reilly has been successful.

Aaron “Billy” Heal is the child of a bastard union between Billy Bowden and MSquiggle

Ok, he can’t get a game for his state, but he did bowl very well when against Sri Lanka in a tour game.

That’s not the greatest wrap for him, but he does look like a bowler, and if he played on a wicket that helped spinners we may actually know how good he could be.

In the one day and 2020 comps he has bowled really well, and Sime likes him and Sime doesn’t like anyone with fewer than 250 test wickets.

Jason “who” Krejza is some guy who plays cricket i suppose.

He is the leading finger spinner statiscally at the moment.

Thats like being the tallest dwarf though.

His greatest asset is the fact he can bat, probably too well, as he plays quite often as a part time spinner and full time number 8.

He has wickets though, so that is something.

The Skinny

McGain has taken 24 wickets at 33.

Hogg 20 wickets at 40.

Krejza 13 wickets at 35.

Cullen 11 wickets at 50.

And Bailey, Heal, and Stuey aren’t really worth mentioning.

Australia’s spinning stable hasn’t been this ugly since Terry Jenner went to the big house.

Ok the joke has gone on long enough.

Apparently it’s been April fools day for 3 tests now.

You may remember my constant (here, here, here, and here, or just go here and scroll down) posts saying he just wasn’t up for it.

It’s not his fault.

He wasn’t going to say to the selectors, hey I’m not really all over this test bowling caper, perhaps you should look elsewhere.

He didn’t ask Warne to retire, Stuey to get overweight, the Cullens to be sh1t or for McGain to be Victorian, these things just happened and he was promoted to the Australian test team.

He is probably more surprised than the rest of us to be a test bowler in the number one rated side on earth.

Every time the ball is thrown to him he probably starts to shine it, before someone whispers that he is expected to bowl with it.

But please selectors, fu©k him off.

Send him back to his postal route, kick him out of the team hotel, give him some frequent flyers miles, hire a hit man to whack him, or feed him Ice and drug test him the next day.

It’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt, and we are all very fu©ken hurt right now.

Because we Australians can’t take this anymore.

In this series he has bowled 110 overs, for 7 wickets.

Symonds and Clarke have bowled 98 for 14 wickets.

He is half the bowler 2 part timers are.

How shit is that, seriously work it out, how shit, he is really shit, like seeing a wart growing on your pecker, or swalloing a fly over and over and over again type shit.

Like watching Battlefield earth sober type shit.

I mean if Ganguly wasn’t a fruit loop, he might have only 3 wickets in this series.

That’s like getting your testicle or sensitive girl bits caught in a zipper shit.

I am starting a petition for all Australians, George Bradley Hogg must go.

Bring in Tait underdone, bring in an injured Hilfenhaus, bring in Bracken and his sisters hair cut, hell even bring in Daniel Marsh.

Anyone but Hogg.

You can even go retro.

Get Tim May a suit that fits, allow Shane Warne a room full of skanks, bail out Terry Jenner, pick Gavin Robertson from club cricket, give Richie a bucked load of anti aging cream, help me reanimate Tiger Bill or even turn back to Ray Bright or Greg Matthews, if worst comes to worst.

Because Brad Hogg is not a test cricketer.

Don’t tell us he is improving, that he played to the game plan, that his batting is handy, the his pants fit nicely, that he gives good head, that the players like, that all spinners struggle against India, just put him in a box and send him somewhere.

The West Bank perhaps.

Sierra Leone is nice this time of year.

Or perhaps Kenya needs a new leggie.

Our enemies are enjoying this,

“Have you any idea how much I’m enjoying Hogg’s “performance” over the last couple of days?”

If the Kiwis, with a team full of civil servants, are laughing at us, what would teams with actual cricketers be doing?

Do you know what England’s strategy next ashes is, ensure Hogg is picked.

I know I’ve been subtle in this post but I want to make sure the selectors under stand my message.

Get

Rid

Of

The

Tongue

Or

I

Will

Carpet

Bomb

Your

House

You

Useless

Mother

Fu©kers

PS, if somehow he takes wickets in the second innings, however unlikely that is, I was only taking the p1ss.

PPS, that line was added incase they Feds decided to charge me with any of the 43 terrorism offences I just committed.

Anil Kumble has decided to withdraw the charges laid against Brad Hogg.

Apparently Ponting cannot withdraw his charges due to the ICC administracrats rulings.

Who knows if he would anyway.

While I am happy some of the junk from Sydney is over with, I am slightly disappointed that Hogg won’t be suspended.

Not for saying bastard, but for sledging guys with tens of thousands of test runs to their names.

I may not like Ganguly, but when you average 50 with the ball and your bowling to a guy who has managed to survive in test cricket as long as he has, you probably don’t need to mouth off when he doesn’t pick your flipper or wrong’un.

Hogg was running down the pitch after every slightly miss timed shot, play and miss, or anytime when the batsmen looked slightly uncomfortable, like a crazed postal worker.

He was like an unfunny version of Andre Nel, and who needs that.

I’m all for sledging, but running down the wicket and yelling at someone in a humourless way is just boring.

The Hogg Vs Ganguly war so far in the series has me confused. On one hand, I’m happy that Ganguly hasn’t made a century, but on the other hand, I’m angry that Hogg keeps getting him out.

How can I hate Hogg if he continues to get Ganguly out?

It may haunt me for years to come.

Ganguly on current form should make a hundred in perth, he won’t ,cause its quick and bouncy, but he’s seeing the ball well, and should have made at least one hundred in this series already.

And Hogg, well he will be suspended by the selectors for this test, cause he aint Tait, but he will probably come back in for Johnson in Adelaide, and my mind will be in a state of confusion again.