cricket with balls

“Oh, he is so cute and loveable; I just wanna take him home to my mum so we can double team him”.

I know that is what you think about little Nathan Hauritz.  But behind that puppy dog exterior is a cold-hearted assassin.  One who will kill anyone to get where he wants.  An aspirational career driven sociopath.

Not only has he led many a batsman to their untimely and embarrassing end, he is also taking out Australian spinners one at a time.

First was beautiful Beau Casson, who was too young to die, but Hauritz took him out during a shield game, but made it look like suicide.  He placed sweets down on a trail that led Beau got to the edge of a cliff and Nathan ran up behind him in a Mr Squiggle mask and said boo.

Then Bryce McGain was taken out when Hauritz bribed Kallis with 7 pigs he killed with his owns hands.  When that wasn’t enough Hauritz showed Kallis and Prince this website, but most importantly the parts about Prince, Kallis and Bryce, to prove that I don’t exist and Bryce writes this site.

And now, Jason Krejza is gone.

It was probably the most horrendous of all Nathan’s crimes, as he did it with help of a whole team of suicidal Pakistani batsmen, and the Tasmanian brain’s trust.

It was disgusting, and when Nathan was finished all that was left was a puddle of blood, excrement and organs, with a newspaper clipping that was mostly unreadable except for the number 12.

Sorry to burst your bubble, people, but little Nathan is an angel of death.

One by one he is taking these spinners out.  Right under our noses.  Yet no one is doing anything about it.

Someone must stop him, otherwise Steven Smith will take a bite of some weird tasting vegemite sandwiches any day now.

Buy the book, get a t-shirt, or donate to the whisky fund.

Occasionally at the balls we get given a post written by cricketers or officials. We posted a few of them a while back under the name of the omitted. Since then we have received heaps more, but in general they are either something that will get us sued, or weird. But of recent times we have have received one, and as it appears to be a letter, we thought it would be rude not to share it with Mr Waugh. Obviously, we will never reveal the name of the person who wrote this.

Dear Mark Waugh,

Please stop all this Steve Smith dribble.

Yes, the boy has some ability.

Yes, he has cleared the boundary in a few big bash and One day games.

Yes, he turns his leg break and warney reckons he ok.

Yes, he looks like the retarded 12 year old love child of a seminal mix from Cameron “downsyndrome” White and his fat NSW team mate with the same surname.

Yes, he has only taken 11 wickets at 75 and made 1 hundred in first class cricket… oh, whoops… not sure if you knew that one. You tool.

But I do see some reasoning behind your push to see this pubescent Sydney-sider in a baggy green. There is after all only 6 blue-baggers in the current Australian test side, 7 if you count Ponting, which you should because his wife refuses to grant him permission to visit the Apple isle for anything paying less than a test match.

This number of players from New South Wales is clearly nowhere near enough, is it, Mark. As we all know the blues have been the benchmark of the competition for the last few years. Get some more of them in there please Andrew Hilditch. Oh… that’s right, you’ve tried to. Lets revisit a few of these:

Phil Hughes – Fair enough the kid can play, but it is a statistical fact that he has never scored a run on the leg side. EVER! Its true. Look it up. He also still has stains in his dacks form the last bloke who decided to bump him at more than 140km/h.

Phil Jaques – Scored a few runs at test level, and probably deserves another crack, but no one wants to watch the fucker bat. He is uglier than Kim Clijsters. And he throws like a 60-year-old woman.

Beau Casson – good tour of the west indies but seems to have forgotten how to bowl. Did do himself the honour of no-balling himself out of the game by bowling too many full bungers on one occasion though.

Burt Cockley – Please… even Big burt was offended with his call-up. Bowls a mean half-volley.

So Junior, please do us a favour and stop pumping up yet another NSW player. In-fact, you could go one step further, and after brushing, rinse your mouth out with undiluted Sulfuric acid. This will help to endear you to the thousands of viewers that have had the displeasure of hearing your dribble.

You are in fact a cunt.

Even your butt-ugly 65 year-old missus dumped you.

Yours truly

The Omitted

Cameron White is flying to India.

And due to Krazy Krejza’s Kokaine and shit bowling he may get a staring role.

The good news is we will have a Victorian legspinner, the bad news is, it’s the wrong one.

But a Victorian in the test team is still an accomplishment.

So we’ll take what we can get.

With Katich, 1/3.

Clarke, 1/3.

And White 1/2.

Put all this together and Australia have a spin bowler and some change.

Add Watson and that is their 4th bowler.

7 bowlers to get 20 wickets, seems like a good plan.

If you’ve just taken Heroin and don’t know anything about cricket.

India’s bowling doesn’t look any stronger ofcourse, so it could be a great test series where no one gets 20 wickets.

The good news out of all this is that Beautiful Baby Beau Casson has not only been overlooked for this squad, again, he has also been overlooked a NSWales one day game for Steven Smith.

You may remember his as my player to shed his nappies in the shield season this year.

Even though he is a NSWelshman, he can bowl, and he can bat, and I like him one billion times more than Beau.

Which isn’t hard.

Hate to say I told you so

Bullshit.

I fucken love it.

Bryce McGain is taking wickets for Australia A.

He had 3 for 13 at one stage.

On a day where only one other wicket was taken.

Beau Casson could not handle the Nice Bryce pressure and pulled a hamstring.

His one over went for 7 anyway.

The 3 players McGain got out were classy as well.

Uthappa, Patel and Badrinath.

Gold star for Byrce.

His figures were:

17 overs

5 maidens

3 wickets

51 runs

Nice start.

Peter Sizzle (siddle) bowled 10 overs for 16.

The only negative from the day was the way Crac Info described Bryce.

“Without guile of flight.”

Thems fighting words.

The big problem of the day is that Bryce couldn’t go wrist to wrist with Casson.

Now those in the pro Casson camp, can say that Beau might have been able to take more wickets.

Nut he wasn’t, instead he had men touching his legs.

Day one to Bryce.

The “A” side is off to India, and with Australia looking as fragile as they have in a long time, this could be an “A” team that ends up in the test arena.

What I think the team will be.

Katich (NSW) captain & opening bat, Peter Roebuck would be happy. I would have preferred to see Marcus North get the job. But one decided to stay in Western Australia, the other decided to move to NSWales. The Krab is a test player, for any other country, even if I hate him.

Phillip Hughes (NSW), opening bat. Is only a foetus, but can play, Made a few runs this year, and being that opening batsman in Australia are hard to come by probably not a bad choice.

Adam Voges (WA), 3. Been around for a while now, seems to have missed out as the Australian team’s back up one day batsman to Future PM. Can bat, but would doubt he will ever play for Australia.

Marcus North (WA), 4. When he makes runs, he makes them by the truck load. Has a great cricket brain, but has been an ‘A” guy for a while now without ever really looking like playing for Australia.

George Bailey (Tas), 5. Has been picked on potential, and the season before this. Is the batsman all teams try and get through in Tasmania,

Luke Ronchi (WA) keeper & 6. Anyone who saw him in the Windies knows this kid has a little sumtin sumtin.

Ashley Noffke (QLD) opening bowler & 7. This may be his audition for the same spot a month later when the big boys tour.

Beau Casson (NSW) chinaman & 8/9. Him Vs Bryce for the first test.

Ryan Harris (QLD via SA) first change & 8/9. Nickname is rhino, and does play like that. Strong as a mofo on ice, and can bowl all day full, quick and pretty damn well. Also a more than handy number 9, could easily be a number 7 in a weaker batting line up.

Bryce McGain (VIC) leggie & tail. If he out bowls Casson he gets a baggy green.

Doug Bollinger (NSW) left arm opener & tail. Could be the face of Australian bowling for the next ten years, Doesn’t look like much, but picks up wickets waiting for a taxi.

Peter Siddle (VIC) back up quick & tail. If he could stay fit for a whole season we could tell if he is the real deal or a lucky boy. But every time he plays he gets wickets, hard to argue with that.

Peter Forrest (NSW) back up batsman. No idea why he is here, oh wait NSWales. Saw him face Dirty Dirk one day sucking his thumb and asking for mummy.

Jason Krezja (TAS) back up offie & 7/8. Has a modest record but a confident lad who can bat a bit, would be lucky to play ahead of anyone here, but if he gets a game and gets wickets he could maybe leap frog McGain or Casson, but I doubt it.

Overall a pretty good squad.

Can bat till 9, or till 10 if Krejza plays ahead of McGain.

Bowling looks a lot better than the batting, especially with Noffke at 7 giving you an extra bowler.

Like most Australian A sides there is at least 7 players who would get a game for most test nations right now.

If the top order can make runs, could be a good series for the lads.

Players who would be a little miffed at missing out.

Chris Rogers as opener, he played a test match this year, right?

Luke Pomersbach, just because you look, smell, and drink like a lumberjack doesn’t mean you don’t deserve an “A” spot if you have made as many runs as he has.

Dan Cullen, without looking I’d say he probably still took more wickets than Krezja, but, I think someone else should get a go anyway.