cricket with balls

While some people have been watching the Dirk Nannes League I’ve been watching the Bangladesh England test for test match sofa (as I will be for the rest of the test).

It may not have cheerleaders and Lionel Ritchie, but it does have Shakib Al Hasan.

I’ve been a fan of his for a while now, but in this match he has performed some amazing feats.

Winning the toss and bowling even though you have four spinners in your team.

Bowling himself for the most overs even though his best ball for two days was naked junk.

Spreading his field regardless of the situation of the game.

Fielding like it was his first experience with a cricket ball, including dropping a catch.

Then batting for stumps with aplomb until closing his eyes and skipping down the wicket to give up his wicket only for his team to use a nightfuckingwatchman for a number 7.

If you told me he finished the day by sleeping with another player’s wife or burnt down a nandos on the way home I’d believe you.

Moyo captained an awful game in Sydney, but compared to Shakib in this game Moyo is the Robocop of captains.

If I was Jamie Siddons I would rip the limbs off Imrul Kayes and beat Shakib with them.

Which is a win/win situation.

Buy the book, get a t-shirt, or donate to the whisky fund.

The ICC has its test rankings involving numbers and nerds.  Not Interested.  So I came up with my own.  They mean nothing, but neither do the ICCs and mine took less time.  They also aren’t numbered for a reason, because that would be stupid.   You can date the bottom girl on this list (actually make that second bottom) and have a great time, and perhaps have a shit time with the second lady.

Natalie Portman –

There is no outstanding test side at the moment, so no one gets the Portman from me.

Kate Winslet – India

Capable of great things, clever, classy and hot.  But how many really cool films has Winslet been in?  Has the potential to be the perfect partner, but would it kill her to be a curvy sexy ninja in a Rodriguez flick?  Best of the bunch at the moment, but still has improvement in her.

Suicide girls – South Africa

They are hot, edgy and look great in photo shoots. When you are seeing a midnight showing of Donnie Darko they are the ideal partner, but leave them up to their own good and, well, they aren’t called the suicide girls for nothing.  Do you want to spend your time hiding the razors?

Cute girl on the train – Australia

It seems like a great idea, but what do you know about the cute girl on the train.  Sure, she likes Palahniuk, is wearing a cwb t-shirt and seems to be listening to Coltrane, but she could be nuts.  Cuteness and good taste in popular culture are important, but for every hip thing about her, there will be something you don’t know about, like how she breeds rats to kill them while you have sex with her.  She could turn out great, but she could be bi-polar.

Ellen Page – Sri Lanka

Has raw natural cuteness and talent.  Yet is still a little odd looking.  Not in a bad way, but from certain angles you question yourself.  Your main concern is her never-ending journey to be the coolest person in the room, we get it Ellen, just stop being a wanker for 5 minutes and be in an adult movie.

Plain girl in the office – England

Easy to overlook, but could be the one.  Obviously not as attractive as movie stars or with the hipster taste of the cute girl on the train, but suits you better than most.  Can you really afford to shun her just because she wears cardigans?  Although it must be said, she is not a good cook.

Brody Dalle – West Indies

Rock and roll.  Big highs, but scary lows.  There is something that draws you in, you’re not sure what, and it could be illegal, but she is supercool and has access to free drugs and booze.  Might only keep you around for a short time, but it could be fun.  Until the come down.

A chick on roller skates with bright pink hair in pigtails – Pakistan

She looks awesome, but she wears roller skates. That isn’t safe, what if she is rolling up to you and she falls headfirst onto your lap.  That wouldn’t be good.  The wow factor wouldn’t be any good when you have been hit in the nuts, and if you are hurt bad and you need medical supplies, the girl with the roller skates cannot be trusted.  Practically roller skates are always going to end in tears.

Joan Cusack – New Zealand

Not conventionally attractive that is true, but funny, and who would try harder.  The laughs will get you through. Sure she has a relative way more better looking and richer, but he is a dude.  Could be a keeper, because if you stay with Joan you’d have funny intelligent chirpy moderately successful children, although watch out for twins.

Your mate’s teen sister – Bangladesh

Dude, she isn’t even legal.  Look away.  But check back in three or four years, just in case.

In the future I hope Bangladesh become a powerhouse of international cricket.

They play cricket in a way that excites me; they love spin, attack without thinking and have a passion for the game.

But if Andrew Strauss goes through with his plan of not touring for a test series against them the ICC have to step in.

Either there is too much international cricket, which is doubtful, as there is less International games than what an English pro plays in 6 months for a county team.

Or Bangladesh, after all these years of struggling, has now become nothing more than a bye on the international fixture.

In the last 12 months Strauss has played 7 useless one dayers against Australia, was scheduled for the same against India, and then flew to South Africa for a tournament most people have probably assumed didn’t exist any more. He also played a handful of games for Middlesex.

All of these should be less important than a test series, even against the worst test team in the world. Clearly they are.

Australia had also once thought of sending a development side to play Bangladesh in a test series, the only reason they didn’t was because they didn’t want to hand out test caps to players who were not good enough to make the proper team.

If Strauss doesn’t play, I would doubt that Dhoni will, and we all know that with Australia’s love of resting players eventually they will rest players for tests.

So where will that leave a Bangladesh side that sells no tickets and can’t win enough matches to earn respect?

If you said Fucked, you’re correct.

The ICC need to get off their hairless asses and take a look at what is going on.

I know it is easier to fly around the world, say aids is no good, tell KP to put more tape on his pads, host pointless committees and pretend that they never funded a dictator, but once, just fucken once, why don’t try and fix a problem in the game of cricket.

Then they can go chew on cigars at their gentleman’s clubs, smoke crystal meth off the metallic underwear of their teenage lovers, or watch strictly come snuffing.

I don’t care, but Bangladesh is now not an important venue for the test captain of England to automatically turn up.

WAKE THE FUCK UP ICC.

This is your job, not ensuring the yahoo corporate catch phrase is played at the right time.

West Indies fast bowler Kemar Roach and his team have been dealt misery on top of their one-day series loss to Bangladesh after being fined for breach of the International Cricket Council code of conduct.

Roach was docked 10 per cent of his match fee after he was charged for bowling shit. Bangladesh captain Shakib Al Hasan made the complaint in Tuesday’s second one-dayer in Dominica, which the visitors won by three wickets. Al Hasan said, “our boys have been fined over the years for bowling shit, but Kemar’s spell was just horrendous, a pile of unwatchable unplayable filth, and it simply had to be brought to the officials attention”.

He was barred from bowling by the umpire after he bowled a second over of shit and was then summoned for a hearing before the ICC match referee Roshan Mahanama after the game.

West Indies captain Floyd Reifer was handed an official reprimand for failing to ensure his team was any good, the ICC said on Wednesday.

The hosts were also penalised for shit batting.

Skipper Reifer was fined 10 per cent of his match fee and his team mates five per cent of their fees for not looking like international cricketers.

Rawl Lewis is under special investigation. Roshan Mahanama said he could not believe that he was allowed onto the field in any role other than as groundsman. “He is simply not an international cricketer’s asshole, and the ICC have asked me for a full report into the incident”.

Bangladesh recorded their first one-day series success over a current test-playing nation after securing a 2-0 lead with one match remaining.

They also won the preceding Test series, after West Indies chose to field a side with shit players in it.

Sorry to break you out of your Ashes coma, but there are three other test matches going on at the moment.

WI vs. BAN

West Indies have dirty scabby strikebreakers playing for them, and if that isn’t bad enough the one I really wanted to see. Kraigg Brathwaite, isn’t fucking playing.

The scabs are pretty much a West Indies 3rd XI, and they are slightly ahead of Bangladesh, who have to win this game to prove they aren’t’ the genital wart of the cricket world.

PAK vs. SRI

Having lost the last game in a dramatically flamboyant style, Pakistan decided to keep that going and collapse on the first day of the next test as well. 90 runs on the first day of a test match. Special.

Sri Lanka are now looking good for a 2 zip result, and being that their bowling line up looks like decidedly nameless, that is a top effort.

ENG vs. AUS WOMEN

The Australian women were 5/28, and I was ready to go around and punch them all, then they were 6/257 and I was quite happy.

England are now 5/120 with a lot to do, but have a 60 run partnership going. A women’s test is a special thing, as they are lucky to play one a year.

NED vs. CAN

Netherlands are playing Canada as well, in what I assume is called the Dirty Dirk Davison cup. Had I known about this series I would have sponsored it. Although if I did, I would have spent months trying to work out what to call it.

The Cricket With Balls Trans-Atlantic shit fight, perhaps…