cricket with balls

Read the crikey shit here.

Australia

Perhaps got away with some wide bowling early on, but in every way were the professional cricket team that just did what it had to do in order to get the upper hand.

Pakistan

They had to know that coming into this game with a batting line up this ordinary was a risk. Well that risk blew up, threw up, and put Shane Watson on the honour board.  There bowling was better, but their bowling is better.

Who’s in front

Australia were in front by Lunch, and by tea that didn’t change.  It is hard to see them chasing less than 300, and it is hard to see them making more than 200.

Play of the day

Umar Akmal had played the wrong line, Kamran Akmal had played no line, and Shane Watson was smiling and happy.  We needed something to the smile off his face, so Shahid Afridi treated him like a 15 year old net bowler.  Two huge sixes, slashed and smashed fours, and no respect.  But it was like riding a roller coaster naked covered in margarine, it was bound to end badly.

Testicular moment of the day

Salman Butt stood tall in a team of soft, pathetic, scared and unwilling batsmen.  He often makes runs against Australia, but this was a good innings because he went within 2 wickets of carrying his bat.  Yes, he didn’t have far to carry it, but this was a pretty good innings from a man with a test average of 30.  I felt bad when Watson snared him, he deserved better, like a freak run out, or a crazed naked fan coming onto the ground and rubbing his crotch on him.

Working class moment of the day

Shane Watson.  If you have a ticket, there is a chance you will win the lottery.

Weird factoid of the day

Roasted Guinea Fowl tastes like turkey.

For my recap go to crikey.

There are many problems facing Pakistan cricket.

Senate enquiries.

Effigies.

Match fixing.

Spot fixing.

Shoaib Malik’s cuntoxability.

The Captain carousel.

Possible suspensions.

STDs.

Missing out on IPL gravy.

No home ground.

Opium.

Playing shit a lot.

All these things have affected Pakistan cricket in recent times.  But Pakistanis are resilient, they keep punching on.  It isn’t always pretty, and they usually fuck it up a bit, but bugger me if they don’t keep going.

Today that ended.

Today the hopes and dreams of that beautifully eccentric country were ended.

The killer of Pakistan’s plucky persistence was Shane Watson.

Ofcourse it was.  It all makes perfect sense.  For years we all wondered why Shane Watson existed, now we know.

Watson is here to end the Pakistan gene pool.

There can be no doubt.  It explains how he plays, how he looks, his general demeanor, why Australia were so keen to play him, everything.  He was sent here to end these people, and the bastard did it with that smile on his face.

As a cricket fan you might have grown to understand that at times, Shane Watson might make runs.  Not a lot of runs, and he might still give you a comical ending, but you know it could happen.

As a cricket fan the one thing you know won’t happen is Shane Watson cutting through your best batsmen like they are batting with breadsticks.  You know he won’t take a five wicket haul.  You know that, and that is what hurts.

It was horrible.  Watson was that dude from Indiana Jones, just taking out the hearts of Pakistan, not with his hand, but with his medium paced nonsense.

Akmal, Akmal, Afridi and even Butt succumbed to Watson.

Then he added a fifth, and that fifth gets his name on the board at Lord’s.  Right at the top because no other bowler has ever taken a five wicket haul in a neutral test match at Lord’s.

So if one day you want to know about the fate of Pakistani cricket, take the Lord’s tour and take a look at the neutral honours board and you’ll see

SR Watson 5 wickets

A monument to horror.

Australia

Struggled, clawed and begged for runs as the ball swung around them. Then they gave up the fight a little and made the swinging ball look like a magic dancing orb. Not their best day.

Pakistan

Hung in there even when the luck was against them, and when the luck came back they pounced on it. Should be pleased with how they bowled, but you know, batting is important too.

Who’s in front

Pakistan should be, but if their bowling line up were on one half of a sea saw, and the batting unit were on the other, the batting unit would be high in the air. If the ball moves for the Australian bowlers the Pakistan batting line up of inexperience and mediocrity will struggle.

Play of the day

Ricky Ponting and the elbow of cricket. It doesn’t seem to matter who Ponting plays at Lord’s he fails. But this time he failed after a great catch and then stood in the crease due to shock. Then young Aamer/Amir – who is partial to ending up within physical contact of batsmen he has got out – got just a bit too close. The grumpy old bastard then put his elbow up to make sure the young buck knew he was in the wrong place. He then did a typical Ponting thing and told everyone who came between him and the fence about how rude it was someone was anywhere near him when he went out.

Actually I forgot Watson.  He left a ball, was given out LBW and was bowled.  When the cricket gods don’t want you around, they aint subtle.

Testicular moment of the day

Asif, baby. I mean come on. He bowls at the Nursery end without every really looking like the super smooth medium fast bowler he is. Then he moved to the other end, and it all changed. Then Asif took over. McGrathesque was used so often in the press box I was hoping he’d start bowling long hops just to shut people up. Instead he bowled like he was some sort of serial killer who had been trained in medicine and was very good at taking out vital organs.

Working class moment of the day

S Katich. Bit of luck, lots of graft, no hundred.

Weird factoid of the day

Marcus North has made more scores in single figures and triple figures than he has in double figures.

For my crikey wrap up go here.

Being that I am at Lord’s and have been watching a man drive around the ground what seems like 735 times, I started looking at the literature for the series.

You know, programs, little annoying pieces of paper, and other junk you get.

Most of them have the words MCC spirit of cricket on them.

Not because that phrase is so universal that everyone uses it, but because they are sponsoring the series.

Can you think of two worse teams to sponsor for the spirit of cricket?

It seems like some sort of ironic marketing campaign.

Let’s use the team with the ball biting captain and the team with the sledging captain and see how many people laugh at our campaign.

I just realised I am so bored waiting for the game I am talking about sponsor cards.

It hasn’t rained since I got here, just one guy driving around the ground.

Again and again, and again.