cricket with balls

Ask any cricket fan who the biggest chokers in world cricket are and you will get, almost unanimously, the answer ‘South Africa’. And it is true that the Proteas have a fine record of stuffing themselves right when they seem poised to win something. But it isn’t really them. Frankly, if you don’t have the nuts to get yourselves into a final, you’re not doing the choking thing properly.

Ballsing it up at the end of a competition is proper choking. You have to have one hand on the trophy to really choke, to really blow it when there is no reason to do so. Steve Waugh’s famous “How does it feel to drop the World Cup” sledge is wrong, because even if South Africa had won that semi-final, they still had to get into a position to win the final.

No, the real chokers in 1999 were Pakistan, who made their way to the final of possibly the worst World Cup ever staged and then somehow managed to get themselves bowled out for 139 – a score which they spent an agonising 39 overs compiling.

If you want to find the real Kings of Chokeland, look no further than tomorrow’s final. England. Reachers of four international finals. Winners of none.

In 1979, they reached the World Cup final despite clearly not having grasped the idea of 60 over cricket (as it then was). They bowled and fielded like dogs, were spanked around Lord’s by the West Indies, and then opened with Boycott and Brearley playing as if it was a Test match.

Then, in 1987, Gatting played that famous failed reverse sweep and the whole side fell apart, losing from a seemingly impregnable position.

1992 was a slightly different story, as some dreadful umpiring and an inspired Pakistani team took the game from England’s grasp, but in 2004’s Champions Trophy they returned to their losing ways, somehow allowing the West Indies to add 70 runs for the 9th wicket after a Marcus Trescothick ton and three wickets for Andrew Flintoff had made the game theirs.

It is hard to come up with another parallel for choking like this. The only thing comparable in world sport seems to be the Buffalo Bills American Football team, who have lost all three of their Superbowl appearances and did so in three consecutive years during the 1990s. But even that smacks of a short period of choking followed (and indeed preceded) by long periods of mediocrity. To reach four finals in 25 years and blow every one, well, that’s choking on an auto-erotic, orange in the mouth and belt around the neck sort of way.

Yep, the greatest chokers in world sport are the England cricket team. And they are playing in another final today. Can they make it five in a row?

Happy Jesus on a stick day. A day that is all about honouring someone who died so that we can all be perverts and animals, but you can’t eat steak, in case some is made of him.

In honour of Jesus dying I’ve compiled an XI of players who died, and were then reborn, or you know, other Christian type shit. Jesus, as we all know, was a wicket keeper.

S Katich – Found himself in a cricket career cave due to some horrific test form, but then his God, Bob Simpson, helped him, and thankfully we now have Katich shuttling around the crease for days on end.

M Sinclair – Impossible as it is to enjoy the way he plays, Sinclair is the one cricketer most likely to survive Sodom and Gomorrah. When the Kiwis are having a selectorial apocalypse, it is Sinclair they turn to. He will always live with us.

I Bell – If Bell truly was the son of God, Christianity would have died out by now. Instead Bell seems ordained by some higher power, perhaps Murdoch, to play the number 3 position for England. He coveted it while he had to wait out Pestilence (Shah), War (Bopara) and Famine (Trott) but he found his way back to number three.

M Hussey – Has never left heavenly earth, but what exactly was he doing between the age of 12 and 30.

K Pietersen – An outcast with his old religion he became the father, son and holy bail of a new one. It still hasn’t been smooth sailing, but he no longer has to bowl off spin, so that is good.

K Akmal – Crucified on the pitch for one of the most heretical displays of wicket keeping ever written about. But he will be back, you can’t keep a Pakistani cricketer away for too long. Even if he comes back as a kolpak.

A Flintoff – as was written.

N Hauritz – Outbowled by M Clarke and then shunned by his country, his state, and his knew state. One day four wise men decided to pick him up from the gutter he found himself in, and bugger me if he hasn’t stayed around since then.

S Bond – Needed to go on a spiritual adventure to India so that one day he could come back to New Zealand and tell them he was available for white ball games and then continued his spiritual adventure in India.

A Mendis – The man is full of mystery, but once you work it out, it is all kind of simple and you don’t really care anymore.

A Nehra – From a world cup final to the great abyss, but thanks to Lalit K, Nehra has been brought back so that we can all pray at his long limbs and permanent angry face.

J Patel (12th) – Is so good at being 12th man I couldn’t see why he wouldn’t do it for Jesus.

Andrew Flintoff just gave an interview to BBC Radio, in which he admitted that he was planning for the possibility that he might not be able to come back from his current knee problem.

This is, quite possibly, the most interesting thing that Flintoff has ever said in an interview – certainly in an interview given whilst sober. Previously, he’s always been hugely bullish about his prospects of coming back from any operation. It seems that the op he had the day after the Oval Test failing and having to have a second, more major, one has knocked his confidence, even in himself.

It is also clear that either he doesn’t contemplate coming back as a batsman only, or that the knee is so bad that, if it can’t be fixed, it is pretty well going to prevent him doing anything.

The next interesting thing that he said was that whatever he does, it won’t be commentary. Which is good news for everyone as (a) his time as England captain revealed that he wasn’t one of the game’s greatest thinkers or tacticians and (b) we won’t have to listen to his dull northern monotone clogging up our airwaves.

32 is hellishly early to have to end your career, though – especially in this day and age. Strange to think, too, that both he and Brett Lee, the couple who provided one of crickets iconic moments of the last decade, could be going out of the game together, too.

You are captain of your country.

A job you really wanted.

You are on the most important tour your country has.

It all goes a bit shit.

You crack it.

You break a bat.

You drink until you stink.

You then think about the tour as a booze cruise.

regardless you are still a national icon.

A man of the people made good.

A hero and idol to millions.

I ask you balls fans, how can cricket be struggling when a gimpy drunkard is a national icon even if he wants to live in the desert to dodge taxes.

Long live cricket.

(And Pedalos)

(And Bungee jumping)

It should be noted that I have no problem with Freddie not signing his ECB contract. White ball games, even international ones, are about fat cash, and why shouldn’t a player make some big bucks when people like Freddie have been used as money mules for Giles Clarke and his foppish hair.

There is no integrity in white ball cricket outside of the world cup, and even the ICC find ways to fuck that up, so if someone’s body honestly can’t get through 5 days of cricket, and he has showed that he is willing to push his gimpy frame to the limit to try (not just pull out all the time Jacob), then I can’t stay mad at him.

I would have liked Freddie to be a bit more honest, don’t give us shit about wanting to improve your game by playing all over the world, just come out and say, “bitch please, it’s about the Benjamins”.

However all this talk about him being an 18 million dollar player and the first globetrotting 2020 cricketer seems a bit stupid.

Dirk Nannes has already played for 5 2020 sides around the world without being freelance.

And Freddie is not that good at 2020 cricket.

In 7 international T20 games he has 76 runs, and 5 wickets at 32 (good econ of 6.44).

In domestic t20 he has a batting average of 24, but his bowling record is much better, average of 20, econ of 6.96.

Those are not the numbers of a 2020 superstar.

For Chennai he was a waste of space. Him and Oram clogged up the middle order time and time again, and he also went the distance with his bowling a couple of times.

Even when he played for the world XI he was only average.

Part of Freddie’s brilliance comes from the fact he puts in everything he has when representing Lancashire and England, two places he loves dearly.

I doubt he has a real deep-seated love of Natal, South Australia or Chennai.

Then compare him Andrew Symonds as a freelancer.

Symonds averages 48 in international T20 cricket, and 45 in domestic t20. Plus he can bowl a couple of overs, and when fit (which both men may never be again) is a predator in the field.

He’s a 2020 destructor, and his average IPL team won the title with him starring.

Chubby Chandler get people talking about 18 million dollar 5 year plans, bungee jumping and 5 continents, but eventually people will talk about Freddie on the field, and if he doesn’t lift his 2020 game, he might find himself on a celebrity dancing show.

And with his knees I doubt he could win that.