cricket with balls

What do you do if you are a cricket team who everyone expects to win things, but who suddenly find that the world is against you? People keep doing inconsiderate things like dismissing your very expensive batting line up for almost no runs, or hitting your equally expensive bowlers all over the park, and it feels like the whole world is against you.

In such circumstances, there is only one man who can save you. He might not have played any first class cricket for almost three years. He might have spent most of those three years on the golf course. And he might be almost 41 years old, but the only thing to do is to send for St Brian of Lara, saviour of slightly-rubbish cricket teams for the past two decades.

Surrey obviously feel that the only way to salvage their season is to call upon the man who spent most of this century dragging the West Indies side around on his back. The great saviour himself has deemed their interest worthy of a quick stroll over from his home in Trinidad to see what all the fuss is about.

And that fuss, in a very large part, must be about money. Surrey are happy to spend it in the hope of attracting even bigger crowds to their T20 games. Lara is happy to receive it if the price is right, it seems.

All of which is a bit odd. Lara is older than and has played less recently than any of Shane Warne, Matthew Hayden or Adam Gilchrist, all three of whom have struggled (by their own high standards) in the IPL this year. And Surrey don’t exactly have a good record with their off-the-wall T20 signings – anyone remember Chris Lewis’ comeback?

Of course, nothing has been signed yet, and it is quite possible that when Lara sees that he will be captained by Fotherington-Tomas, coached by a man who makes the WICB look like pussycats and put up with Andre Nel snarling around the place, it might lead him to return swiftly to the clubhouse.

On the other hand, for the first time in my life I find myself hoping that something does work out for Surrey. The prospect of Lara playing T20 cricket (a format which he has never played) is too enticing a prospect to ignore.

There was Lionel Ritchie singing with his microphone turned down. And other western acts.

Some drag queen dancing acts, except with the drag queens.

Bollywood stuff seemed to be happening as well.

Costumes that some people were comparing to klu klux klan on twitter.

Then Ravi yelled.

Andy Bichel did some commentary, he sounded like Danny Morrison on ketamine.

Lalit was missing most of the time, but in his place was a lady in a red dress, an obvious homage to the Matrix.

Brad Hodge looked pissed off.

Many snatch shots of the cheerleaders, none on super slow mo, maybe next year.

Angelo Mathews continues to not exist.

The Chargers song was remixed, still shit though.

Owais Shah had cut down his sleeves to show off the guns.

There were time outs, but they weren’t strategically named, but they were strategically used.

The IPL has ads between the balls, they are louder and less awkward than the Channel 9 versions.

ITV brought out Hoggard, Hick and some dude and some Indian chick for their coverage. Hoggy was ok, the rest were ordinary and only the Indian chick had done any research.

Gilly seemed to keep hitting the ball in the air and not getting caught.

I never thought I’d say this, but I wanted fake smiles from SRK.

Rohit Sharma continues to vie for Indian batsmen most likely to be assassinated.

The game fizzled out.

The Windies beat Zimbabwe.

Nap.

The IPL has started, not with a bang, not with a whimper, but with a carefully stage managed event that had shit western acts, lots of dancing, two teams making decent totals and Andy Bichel.

I once stated that Michael Slater might read this site.

Hopefully he does, because the dude needs a slap for his latest media comments.

What is he talking about you may say, what could get Jrod slapping Slater? Ponting’s captaincy, Andrew McDonald’s selection, Mike Hussey’s golden run, or practically any praise for Andrew Hilditch.

No, Slater has weighed in with some WAG words, saying that WAGs shouldn’t be allowed on tour for the first two test matches of the Ashes.

I know.

The man who once had to publicly state he did not father another player’s child is talking about WAGs.

You have got to be shitting me.

If I was Slater I would never mention the phrase ‘player’ or ‘wife’ again.

That is one thing to admire about Slater, the complete lack of thinking before speaking.

What Adam Gilchrist makes of all this is in poor taste.

But they wouldn’t be called poor taste Michael Slater jokes if it wasn’t.

WAGs are one of the most controversial topics in sport, but this could be easily remedied.

All sportsmen should be gelded.

Imagine how good Shoiab would be with out a penis?

It would also help with wind resistance.

Not yet.

But they will.

You can already hear the foxsports reporters sharpening their pencils and and getting ready to talk about the magical Adam Gilchrist and his innings of mass destruction in the IPL.

There will be no talk of his dropped catch or missed byes.

They are no downers when we reflect on the glory days.

If Australia lose one game in the world twenty20 thingy there will be talk of how we should ask Gilly probably Hayden back into the side.

It won’t happen (because it is stupid), but just talking about it will keep the mouth breathers happy.

Gilchrists innings was amazing.

Nannes was taken apart, Sangwan was dismissed, Nehra was brought back to earth, and Sehwag was bent over and made to say ‘i do not believe in sehwagology’ as Gilly spanked that ass.

At one stage it looked like he was going to knock up a 30 ball hundred.

But he did drop a catch, and did miss some simple byes.

I may be the only Australian who will write that.

And if some young journalist with integrity tries to write it over at foxsports, the editor will take that line out quicker than you can say, “Scott Styris is a sex god”.

I love Gilly, but there is a reason he is retired, and a cameo, even one as sexy as this, shouldn’t change anything.

All the current Australian players are complete shit. None of them are worth a turd in hell.  They might as well be dropped, castrated, and made to dance for coins.

True.

Luckily foxsports is on the case.

Like this time last year, the only way to fix the Australian team is by picking ex players who are performing in the IPL.

Last year it was Shane Warne and Adam Gilchrist, this year Matthew Hayden has been added to the list.

It seems that if the Australian team fails, the only way forward is back.

Look at all the runs Gilly is making, never mind his keeping.

Haydos is smashing the ball everywhere, forget his form in 2008.

And Shane Warne is still killing everyone, who cares that he doesn’t really want to come back.

Articles about how great these guys are doing in a semi domestic league are counter productive and tinged with bullshit.

Yes Hayden is making runs, but he has the weight of failing for Australia taken off his shoulders, he is facing 3rd and 4th string Indian bowlers in most of the attacks and it’s an Entertainment league

It has a scheduled ad break for fucks sake.

I am glad the old Australians are doing well, like I was that Ian Harvey was the player of the tournament in the ICL, and that Michael DiVenuto continues to kill in County cricket.

Not sure I want any of them to come back though.

This was the same tournament that Shane Watson dominated so much last year it could have been renamed in his honour.

Hayden, Gilchrist and Warne have all been warriors for Australia, but lets not compare the new breed to them, lets just let them play.

Let the dead be the dead.

We will remember them, no need to reanimate them.