The decision follows a breach of team rules and ICC regulations during an Ashes test match that Australia went on to lose.

CA Chief Executive Officer James Sutherland said Dennis Lillee and Rodney Marsh would be given life bans from playing cricket from Australia and would the ICC would be informed of this decision immediately.

Pending ICC approval, the players will be allowed to work in cricket, but their playing future is over.

Australia’s test against the English at Headingley in 1981 was the game where both men have now confirmed they did make a bet on England to win that game. Against all odds England came back to win after the follow on had been enforced. At the time the bet was seen as a harmless prank, but cricket has changed since then.

Mr Sutherland said the decision to suspend Lillee and Marsh was regrettable.

“The breach of team rules of itself was a major offence, but in the current circumstances we thought we needed to show World Cricket and the PCB that you have to take these issues seriously” Mr Sutherland said.

“I am disappointed in Dennis and Rod, but I am also disappointed for them after all the work they have done with Australian cricket’s support in the last 29 years – - and CA will be encouraging and supporting them in the future”.

The life ban decision was discussed by CA’s Board which met this evening prior to a scheduled full-day Board meeting in Melbourne tomorrow. A CA management recommendation to the board in turn followed a unanimous recommendation from the team’s leadership group.

Lillee and Marsh are keen to continue working in cricket but are obviously upset they will never play cricket for their country again.

In other news, the ECB have asked the great-granddaughter of WG Grace to Lord’s to answer questions on odd occurences from tests in the 1800s.

This was a press release given to cwb, and only cwb for some reason.  Perhaps that means it’s fake, who knows.

Honours Bored

North, Watson and Stuart Broad all have their names on the Honours board at Lord’s.  Frankly, I couldn’t give a shit, but if this bothers you, mentally you can put an asterisk next to them.  Or you can do a lord’s tour and just write an asterisk on,   See, isn’t that better.

Fucken Donkeys

I hate donkeys, and I am sure you do too.  So I am sure you are glad that people are stoning them for their involvement with spot fixing.

I told you so

For those who spent their whole life doubting Pakistan’s performances, good and bad, revel.

The upset

Anyone who is not as distraught as you clearly didn’t love cricket as much as you.  If you want to spend three weeks cutting your arms and crying, you can.

Indians who hate Pakistanis

You can put this on the list of things that Pakistan have done that you use to make yourself feel superior.  Although, that Shoaib Malik is from Pakistan is probably enough for most Indians.

Australians who hate Indians

For those who haven’t decided to blame Pakistan’s completely dodgy culture, remember that India was mentioned somewhere wasn’t it, Fucken Indians, ruining the game, etc.

English who hate all colonies

You can give it a bit of we gave you a beautiful game, let you come to our sacred venue and you shat on it.  From now on Lord’s can only be used for Eton vs Harrow matches.

Nathan Hauritz haters

The man has two five wicket hauls, both against Pakistan…

The eternal optimists

Obviously all 7 players had family members or pets kidnapped, they were just doing it for their families.

Historical buffs

Why this is nothing, in 1786 there was a game of cricket when both sides were bowled out for no runs and the game was decided on intentional wides.

T20 fans

Fuck you test lovers, our game is pure, and yours is dirty.  Lalit Modi rocks.

People who hate sport’s agents

Let us not forget that the man in charge of this was an agent.  Sport’s agents are ruining sport, and are obviously shit at not selling their players out.  How has Amir not got a deal with a rubber testicle company yet?  “They said I bowled no balls on purpose, but yours are by accident, so try replace-a-ball, because you want your lady to cup them with confidence.”

All cricket fans

Let’s not lie, we love a bit of scandal.  In fact, even though we know cricket has always been a bit dirty, we like to pretend it isn’t just so we can react more to the scandal.  The spirit of cricket people love this so they can tut tut.  The cricket tragic love the fact cricket is back on the front page.  The cricket sadists love it because it gives them more jokes.  There is something for everyone here.  It’s a proper scandal.

For my part, I haven’t believed that cricket was 100% clean for several years. Not since the Cronje affair. But I could never see how anyone would fix an element of a game.

It always seemed too complicated, too risky, to fix the batting element. It is all very well to bet on a batsman getting a duck, and paying him to get a duck, but suppose some butterfingered clot drops the catch and it runs away for four?

On the other hand, as Miss Marple put it there’s always “…the need for greed, and the desire to be wicked.”

I don’t believe that there has not been some element of fixing at some time in any sport. It is as easy for a bowler in cricket to bowl a no ball as it is for a rugby player to miss a kick, and we know of betting on events in football matches already.

What really annoys me about all of this is that it is now a decade since Cronje and cricket administrators have spent the intervening time with their head in the sands over the whole issue. Did no-one tell them that bad things don’t go away just because you pretend they are not there? (I tried this with my overdraft for many years, but it didn’t work)

Unfortunately, the utter spinelessness of the Pakistan Cricket Board makes their players a prime target for those with no love for the game, but a lot of love for money. The criminals know – and some of the players have clearly worked out – that there is a good chance to make a lot of money without a player’s career being affected in any significant way at all. Not in a country where a lifetime ban lasts for roughly six months.

That the ICC are going to investigate the affair fills me with no confidence, either. The ICC would allow themselves to be sodomised by a rabid stray dog if they thought it would keep the Asian block vote happy. And having your governing body in thrall to the  parts of the world where the corruption is pre-eminent is never a good idea for any sport.

We all want cricket to be clean. But this sort of thing is going to happen again and again until the people running the sport grow some balls. Now would be a very good time for them to do so.

About a year ago a cricketer contacted me to talk about fixing in cricket.  He was positive it was happening again, at ICL, IPL and International level.  He even specified games that he and others thought it had happened in.  I checked into these games and came up with other reasons why things happened the way they did.

The player was very upset, but he didn’t see how coming forward would help out.

In the next few weeks I was contacted by other cricketers and officials who gave me similar stories.  Some were major names in international cricket, and some lesser known. All of them hoped I could do something, but like them I could do little.  They had no evidence, just strong hunches, none of them would speak publicly about this, and all I could do was write on my site in the vaguest possible terms.

Since then spot fixing has come to the attention of the mainstream media and seems as close to taking over cricket as it was at the end of the 90s.

Essex players have been arrested by police. Shakib Al Hasan has come out saying people have offered him money before.  Lalit Modi accused Chris Cairns of being involved in fixing in the ICL.  Pakistani government officials line up waiting to accuse Pakistan of fixing anytime they lose.  And there were reports of 27 players in the IPL being under scrutiny (which was later refuted).

The players involved are from around the globe; this isn’t some dirty little Subbie problem.  The betting might be based in India, but as we learnt in the late 90s, the players involved are from everywhere.

During the late 90s you could throw a stone in International cricket and hit someone who was doing something that was less than ethical with bookies. The majority of the players involved got off scot-free, but cynical fans still believe that almost everyone was involved.  I once heard Peter Roebuck say that he put Sanath Jayasuriya on a pedestal, and one reason was that he was 100% sure he didn’t interact with bookies unethically, and there were few other players of that generation of whom he thought the same. There is no way to know if that is true now, but fixing in cricket is here.  If the spirit of cricket actually existed (and wasn’t some construct by a gin sipping crusty old man) fixing games would surely not be allowed.

Few sports in history have been devised to allow betting on them more than cricket.  Some scholars have stated that cricket was formed the way it was, because of the betting on the early matches.  Allowing people to bet on each ball, over, wicket, boundary, wide, or batsmen is certainly going to get the attention of bookies.  The more ways someone can bet on a sport, the more they are likely to.

The player who was supposed to keep wicket for England in the first ever test match, Ted Pooley, was instead in jail in New Zealand.  Apparently Pooley had bet on the individual scores of each batsmen: he said they would all score ducks and would claim £1 for each duck.  Depending on reports there were between 8 and 11 ducks (the team they were playing had 22 players), and Pooley had been umpire.  When the local businessman who was supposed to pay out didn’t, Pooley beat him up, which is why he was in jail.  This was in 1877.

That was a fairly obvious case of something, either match fixing, bad umpiring, or a bad bet by the local businessman.  Now it is not so easy to spot. Unless phone calls, tax records, or witnesses come forward, how can you stop a bowler in a largely meaningless televised T20 game, like in the IPL, Big Bang or in English County Cricket, ensuring his over goes for more than ten.  Or for a batsman to ensure that the 33^rd over is a maiden in a one-day match.

It is almost impossible; there are so many ways a cricketer to spot-fix a game, so few ways we can detect it, and a truckload of largely unimportant games for the players to fix in.

Some people have talked about education; making sure the players know that taking money or even just talking to bookies can lead to loads of shit.  But if cricket has showed us anything it is that even someone with the education of L Ron Stanford (sure he only went to College in Waco, Texas, but he still went there) can be moved by money over honour.

When talking to one of my moles, I was told about ICL games that were so dodgy that both teams were trying to lose key moments at the same time.  Some players reported that the games were so farcical, it was like they were scripted. If that were true, it meant that in one game of cricket, two loads of dodgy men had put money on poor performances for either side.  Think of the level of corruption required in the game for that to happen.

This year in England’s domestic T20 event they are bringing in the ICC’s anti-match fixing unit to watch the games much more closely.  This was probably brought about by the arrest of Mervyn Westfield and Danish Kaneria after suspected match fixing in an Essex Pro40 game last year.  People who have seen Westfield bowl before are at a loss for words at the thought of him getting paid by bookies to bowl expensive overs in limited overs cricket, as they thought that is what Essex did.

I wouldn’t want to be the person in charge of finding spot fixing.  Look at any Pakistani cricket game.  Saeed Ajmal dropped three catches in one T20 match, Kamran Akmal refused to glove a ball cleanly against Australia, Mohammad Yousuf captained like it was his first game of cricket in the same game, Shahifd Afridi’s whole batting career must raise red flags and that is just the really blatantly obvious ones.  It could be that all of these are match fixing, or that none are.  How the fuck could we know?

Think about this scenario.  An aging seamer is on his way out of international cricket, he is playing a one day international, and someone offers him 10,000 clams to bowl two wides in his 3^rd over.  He will make more with those two wides than he will playing close to ten ODIs.  His international career is virtually over, he is cashing in, and all he has to do is remember to bowl two wides in his third over.

Do you think you could spot the difference between a bowler bowling two wides in an over on purpose or by accident?

Therein lies the problem.  Unless the bookies are really poor with their choices of who they go after, or with the phone and money details, how would we know?  We can’t rely on players as they are only human, some less so, the ICC can’t do much right, chances are they won’t make this their one victory and individual boards are likely to protect players involved as Australia has already done in the past.   I’m not sure where that leaves us.

As fans we can do little more than hope more players forget to match fix like Herschelle Gibbs did, or the players and bookies involved make mistakes like they did with the newly born again sainted Hansie.  Only a proper international scandal will make the bookies crawl back into their gutters for a while.

“No need to grovel, I’ll happily come in and spend all night chatting to you and your Asian bride”.

9.  You could be giving birth to a child and ask for a an epidural and have Allan Border come in.

“If you can’t hack it, let’s get a tough Queenslander out here - get me Greg Ritchie”.

8.  You could find yourself in a 7 hour press conference of a former great international as he battles rumours that he is gay.

“I’m not gay, not that there is anything wrong with that, some of my best friend’s are gay, my brother is.”.

7.  You could be on a beach in the Caribbean when two joints are thrown onto your lap by Pakistani cricketers who see the cops coming.

“Our religion forbids us from putting anything like that in our bodies.”

6.  Allen Stanford could sit on your lap.

“I’ve learnt a lot of oral presentation skills in jail”.

5.  By accident you could pick up Mohammad Asif’s bag.

“No I didn’t pack it, and to be honest, I’m just a goat herder.”

4.  Find yourself sitting to Darrell Hair on a 24 hour flight the day after spot fixing allegations against Pakistanis.

“I Fucken told you, I told you all, I did, every one of you, ha ha, and Murali is a chucker.”

3.  Make a “your mumma is so” joke to any of Glenn McGrath’s children.

“If you ever mention my Fucken mum again…”

2.  Wake up in a soundproof basement at Andre Nel’s house secured to a metal slab.

“Rise and shine, Samit. You’re probably wondering where you are. I’ll tell you where you might be. You might be in the room that you die in”.

1.  Develop a mental condition that means that every part of your life is commentated on by Laxman Sivaramakrishnan.

“Oh what a wonderful crap that is, it’s struggling to get out though, this is a real tough one now.  She is really straining, will she be able to come through this?”

Not because it makes me rich, not because I’ll ever play for my country, and not because I think it is a cool job.

I do it because cricket is something that I love.

Since I was a child it has been the one constant in my life.  My first overseas trip was for cricket.  When I was a kid I slept with a new bat in my dead.  My Friday afternoons were all about working out the best fielding positions for the next day.  I spent days on end sitting the MCG with no one else watching the vics.  The delivery of the cricket gear catalogue was more spiritual than anything else in my life.

Right at the moment I don’t like cricket.

I fucken hate it.

I’m so sick and tired of this shit.

It makes me sick.

This whole thing makes me doubt the game I love, the game I grew up with.

Cricketers should be paid more, but there isn’t a cricketer in this test match who will make less than I will this year.  Or last year, or the year before.

But this isn’t just about money.  It’s the Fucken nerve, the Fucken spinelessness, the Fucken abuse.

I’m so Fucken angry at these assholes of cunts.  Those who set it up, those who benefit from it, and those who do it.

I’m assuming that most people reading this, and the person who wrote it, would play for his country for free.  Or at least, what ever a plumber gets.

Some people are just cunts, and they don’t deserve cricket.  And cricket sure as shit doesn’t deserve them.

I cannot fully articulate how angry I am right now.

The game I love has never been clean, but this just seems worse.

Probably because it is in a test match.

But it just feels Fucken horrible right now.

Like someone has cheated on me.

I’m not naïve about spot fixing, I’ve written more than a few pieces about it.  I know it goes on.  But in pointless ICL, IPL or Pro40 games.

This is way Fucken worse.

I’ve never forgiven Hansie Cronje, and I sure as shit wont forgive anyone here either.

No one is guilty yet, that doesn’t make this any better.

I’ve read the transcripts, seen the video and read all the articles.  I want it to be fake, but it doesn’t feel fake.  It feels wrong, because when i read or watch it, i feel sick in my stomach.

I talked to a friend on the phone, both he and I knew that fixing was around, but this still rocked both of us.  I could barely talk, he was breaking down.

We are grown men, men that love and work in cricket. But this just hits you, even if you thought it was a possibility. Even if you thought it could have been happening.  To read the details just hurts.

My game, fucked.

Maybe some of the details from NOTW are wrong, but something has happened, I saw those no balls live, I don’t need news channels showing them to me with a photoshopped circles around them.  They looked dodgy at the time, we even joked on test match sofa that it was like the no balls that David Saker used to bowl on purpose back in club cricket.

Fuck.

This is just complete shit.

I can’t be bothered with it.  There is so much to say, but I’m too Fucken angry, probably even more upset.

Cricket, I love it, but I fucken hate it. Right now.

Mr Pakistan, a dashing figure with long flowing silky smooth hair and a three day growth, enters the room. He was fairly unsure of why he was there, and he also couldn’t remember how he got there, but there he was, in the room.

It was a white room with a signed picture of Paris Hilton in the corner, although the signature was from Shoaib Akhtar. There was also a chair, and Mr Pakistan sat down. As he did a projector started up and on it was Mark Nicholas swaying from side to side.

“Hello, Mr Pakistan, it is delightful to have you with us”.

Then Mark Nicholas just appeared in front of Mr Pakistan only inches from his face.

“Amazing and incredible, isn’t it?”

Mr Pakistan went to answer, but he didn’t understand the question and he was hypnotised by Mark Nicholas swaying in front of him.

“Today promises to be a special day”.

This is when Mr Pakistan decided to get up and leave, but he couldn’t. Instead Nicholas pushed him off the chair.

“Magnificent.”

With that a naked Jonathon Trott walked in. He was only naked from a genital and nipple point of view. He did indeed have covering on himself; he had cricket gear made out of used tampons. Enough tampons to make sure that Trott’s pads still looked oversized.

Nicholas walked up to Trott, gave him some biltong, and then gestured for Trott to lift each of his feet.

“This will do nicely.”

Nicholas puts Trott’s feet down, and puts his helmet on, before kissing the side of the grill.

“Here comes Jonathan Trott, who has been in spectacular form of late.”

Trott then starts mumbling to himself and circling Mr Pakistan on the floor.

Mr Pakistan seems quite confused by all this. He shouldn’t be.

After the longest time Trott seems to nod to himself and then gets up on Mr Pakistan’s chest. Mr Pakistan is in extreme pain, he tries to move, he can’t, he tries to scream, he can’t. He just has to stand there as Trott walks on his chest, taking this devastating pain.

Then Trott looks up and gestures to the umpire for leg stump. Mr Pakistan is thrown by this, and looks around and realises that he is on a cricket field, on the crease line, and then the pain gets worse as Trott marks his guard down Mr Pakistan’s chest.

“Brilliant”.

Over and over again.

Even though there is already a red mark on Mr Pakistan’s chest.

“Here comes Stuart Broad, what can he bring us today.”

Broad is wearing a giant nappy, and he carries two large buckets.

He stands over Mr Pakistan, and gives him a semi smile, before taking out a ball from one bucket, dunking it in what could only be faeces and then throwing it as hard as he can at Mr Pakistan.

Luckily, Broad fumbles the first few throws, and misses.

Mr Pakistan – who at this stage is realising his chest may not be able to take much more of Trott – is relieved that Broad can’t finish the job. But then a brown ball hits him in the face. And then another. And then another. Then, one more. And another.

Ball after ball hitting Mr Pakistan who can’t use his hands to stop any of them.

“Stuart Broad is putting on a masterclass today”.

Mr Pakistan cannot believe how much pain he is in, his chest is red raw, his face is swollen and cut, and has human waste seeping into his wounds, this is truly the worst situation he could ever be in. Then Trott splits his chest wide open.

The brown substance from Broad’s balls is now seeping towards that opening chest wound. Trott continues to take guard.

And why is Mr Pakistan in this situation? Is it his fault? What has he done to end up with this sort of punishment? I couldn’t have done anything to warrant this.

“Broad and Trott have become an unstoppable force.”

Also, Mr Pakistan thinks, how did they get Mark Nicholas?

Eventually Broad looks tired, but Trott stays strong.

“Broad is out, he has to go now, what an effort from the young man”.

Mr Pakistan is happy, but Broad doesn’t go, he just keeps on throwing balls at what is left of the face of Mr Pakistan. Mr Pakistan, who is still so paralysed he can’t close his eyes, eventually has them closed for him by blood and crap, and he just feels the balls hitting him as Trott continues to open him wider and wider.

“Simply the best from Trotty”.

Then the balls stop. Broad must have gone thinks Mr Pakistan, but he can still feel Trott on his chest.

“And here comes England onto the field, can they match the brilliant record breaking partnership that Trott and Broad produced earlier.”

Mr Pakistan is so freaked out by all the events that have gone on, that with English team arriving imminently to give him even more punishment, he decides it is better to just give up, and he dies. Right there, on the pitch, right as England make it to the middle.

England don’t seem to notice, they go about their business. Their business is re-enacting the entire High School Musical films.

There is poor Mr Pakistan, broken, dead, shit covered and having his lifeless body humiliated by out of key singing by Graeme Swann in the Zack Efron role.

“Oh boy, England are on fire now”.

All bad things must come to an end, and England stop their singing and leave the field. Except Trott. He goes back to the crease, and continues to mark his guard.

“What a special day of test cricket. We are blessed to get to see a day as magnificent as today. We hope you’ll tune in tomorrow”.

Dedicated to my wife on our wedding anniversary.

That is all.

What do I care.  I don’t like one day cricket that much and I’ll hardly see any of the games.

But, the players have much more an interest in it, so why not let them chat about it.

So here is two differing opinions from current Australian domestic players.

Due to contracts, I have to not name one of the players, I’m sure you’ll understand why.

Positive:

I’m sure @CricketAus have put a lot of research into it! Something new and exciting for both fans and players! Can’t wait

Aaron Finch (when asked thoughts on the new one-day format).

Negative:

45 over, split innings cricket… its like your girlfriend stopping mid-blowjob saying she needs to do a shit, then you being able to smell it the whole time she continues. Sure, you can probably still get some enjoyment out of it. Just the lingering smell distracting you takes away from the contest at hand, and turns it into not a real blow job. There’s going to be a result, both teams won’t enjoy it as much as a blowjob without the stench, but there may indeed be an audience that will spectate this stinky-blow-job arena. It will at first be to see just what it does indeed smell like, but many will sing its praises as a new type of fetish that they will subscribe to religiously. Cricket Australia will market the ’shit’ out of the blowjob, so you are left questioning whether there actually was a dump, maybe said dump smells quite good, or maybe even it was you who did the dump.

Fear not though lovers of a real sucking, for the blowjob is not yet dead. The Indians love to recieve a proper gobby, and have no interest in smelling the shit. In years to come this will be the type of hairy armpit, bushy minge blowjob that many sit back and watch together for a laugh secretly trying to hide their semi-erect penii in their stonewash jeans, while Cricket Australia think of the next kinky plan to ruin the great game of sucky sucky.

As usual, cricket with balls gives you both sides of the argument.

Fair, balanced and fucked up.