The surprise is that the idiot in question was Jonathan ‘Aggers’ Agnew, the BBC’s own cricket correspondent who was, largely, basing his comments upon a conversation with Craig White, during which the latter opined that if you were not born English you never felt truly English.

That’s Jonathan Agnew, the cricket correspondent for the nation’s broadcaster.

That’s Jonathan Agnew, who in his heady six match international career, played alongside the likes of the South Africa born Allan Lamb, the Jamaican Norman Cowans and the Rhodesian Phil Edmonds.

And that’s Craig White, who played 81 international matches for a country he apparently didn’t feel a part of, despite the fact that he was born in Yorkshire.

Which, in turn, knocks a hole the size of Mark Cosgrove through Agnew’s argument, because White just proves that it is not where you were born that matters, it is where you feel you belong that counts. White even made his debut in a side which contained four players born outside of the UK.

Suggesting that the England team is anything less for having the likes of Lumb, Kieswetter, Pietersen and Morgan in it is such a steaming pile of hypocritical horseshit that it barely merits consideration. But if it does, then we’ll have the credit for every Aussie victory that included Andrew Symonds, OK?

He looks like the sort of smooth adult that was also like Teflon in the play ground.

Perhaps people tried to abuse him, but he probably had team mates from various sporting teams who would step in for him.

Plus the teachers probably kept on eye on their golden boy, don’t want the local cricket star being found dead behind the portables.

With all that in mind yesterday was probably the first real beating he has ever taken.

And he was beaten, hard.

It was public too, while everyone was at lunch, crowded around as Clarke didn’t even try to defend himself.

He just sat there been moved by the force of England’s blows.  He was more a punching bag than a fighter.

There was nothing he could do to stop it, so perhaps he thought by hitting himself a few times he might confuse England and gain some respite.

Instead it just made the English beat him up harder.

Finally his lifeless body was put out of it’s misery well earlier than anyone had thought possible.

Battered and bruised he will be returned to Cricket Australia, who may not want him anymore.

I thought Clarke was unlucky, Kieswetter won the man of the match award, but surely no one did more for England’s victory than Clarke did.

The only good news for Australian cricket was that this might mean Australia don’t automatically turn to Clarke when they need their next captain, they might actually look at who would be the best captain, and not just the guy who speaks to media without saying anything and who grooms himself well for photoshoots.

England were nerdishly efficient and brutal on Australia all day. They still had some great luck, dropped catches finding other fielders, Haddin caught of the hip, but surely there biggest slice of luck was that Clarke was playing.

Swann and Collingwood are lucky their team won, because conspiring to get Clarke out could have been the worst thing either of them had ever done.

To defend such a low total, wow.

The batting might have been poor, but the bowling was outstanding.

The fielding was even better.

But special credit must go to the captain, what a special effort.

I have never been so proud.

Shame the men played like a team of busted assholes.

It’s a strange sort of feeling. We English are not used to winning things. We expect our teams to fail. In 2003, we expected our rugby team to fail despite being red hot favourites. The football team, well, whenever they set foot near a tournament we expect them to balls it up (pun intended). So when our cricket team suddenly started playing well – after, let us not forget, being spanked by the Windies and barely having the better of the washed out game against Ireland – we still expect them to lose at the very end.

And before anyone starts, yes, the Duckworth Lewis method probably did deprive England of a win in that West Indies game, but the sheer woefulness of their opening bowling meant that the result wasn’t as unjust as everyone will now try and make out.

Which means that when we do actually win something, we don’t quite know how to react. When the rugby side won their World Cup, it was honours all around and boozy bus rides through the centre of London – something replicated by the Ashes winning side of 2005. But when the football team won in 1966, the manager and captain got gongs, but no-one else did until there was an outcry 30 years later.

The 2009 Ashes side went even further than that, publicly saying that there would be no honours or victory parades.

Something tells me that this might be a subdued affair – for one thing, the coach and the man of the match might not actually be British enough to qualify for any state honour. There might be a bus ride and I’m sure the new push me- pull you prime ministerial duo will not pass up the chance to be photographed with some people who actually won something outright. After that, it’ll be back to work and back the the serious business of beating up Bangladesh again, followed by a dull and humiliating loss to the remnants of the Pakistani team.

So I’m not really sure what I was supposed to do tonight, but I reckon a couple of beers, a huge slice of chocolate cake and yelling at my son to go to sleep probably fit the bill. I’m just not that used to being on the winning side.

According to Daniel, test match sofa is an anarcho-syndecalist commune. This is his way of coming across as the lovable uncle you wish you had. When Ahmer was heart broken it was Daniel who comforted him, but not because he cares about Pakistanis (he rates all former colonies the same way, like that thing he found on his boot) but because he knows that appearing to be on Ahmer’s side will win him more fans. Test match sofa is not an anarcho-syndecalist commune it is a fascist dictatorship where he regularly beats the other commentators, especially Tom. His leadership style is styled on Lady Thatcher and Groucho Marx with a touch of Genghis Khan thrown in.

Even though Dan clearly sees himself as superior to most other people, he does share several traits with other English supporters, the “can’t lose” attitude. I don’t mean “can’t lose” in the way an Indian supporter who has the Indian flag painted on their face thinks can’t lose, I mean the way English supporters build themselves an emotional bunker so that no matter the result they end up winners.

Dan has already proclaimed that Australia will crush England. So if Australia crush England, he can say, “see I told you so, I’m pretty clever”. If England wins, he can streak naked through the streets of Tooting screaming about the power of the Empire. Either way, Dan is the winner. And this sort of defeated undefeatable loserism is how English fans shield themselves from ever having to look at their own ineptitude in sport.

I, on the other hand, believe Australia should win because they are the better side. I’ve studied this match with the asexual eagerness of a young Mike Hussey, and while I think England are a very cohesive unit, Australia should have the fire power with bat and ball to beat them.

When Australia does win, it will be the greatest win in the history of organized sport, over coming adversity, impossible obstacles and Bangladesh. . No team has overcome so much (including the Michael Clarke handicap) to be victorious.

If, and this is purely hypothetical, Australia do lose, it will be Michael Clarke’s fault. Because England couldn’t possibly play better than Australia to win.

Obviously.

Either way Dan wins, because he has chosen both sides as usual, like a proper Englishman should.

On Friday I watched the bewildered eyes of fellow commentator Ahmer widen, fill with embryonic tears and slam shut to block out the piercing light shining from Jarrod’s triumphant teeth and I was filled with a fearful dread. Finally Ahmer composed himself and said softly “why are they always such bastards?” It was impossible at this moment to know whether he referred to Australia, who had just, unimaginably from their parlous position, stolen Ahmer’s moment of glory, or his own players who had made him believe and then coshed him over the head with the stinking, putrefying wombat of reality. “God must have many places for Pakistani fans in heaven, because he puts us through hell on earth” was his ultimate summation. And then I realised it was my turn next.

Today England take on the Aussies. They’re in better form than the Pakistanis were. They are brilliantly coached, able to adapt their game to different conditions, as their stunning wins in both St. Lucia and Barbados attest, and have no pressure on their shoulders. Why shouldn’t we dream? We’ve won one of our two ODIs against them (albeit after losing the previous 6). Of all the teams in the tournament we probably relish fast bowling the most. We’ve got the bloody Ashes for heaven’s sake.

But believe me it’s not as simple as that. If you’d seen the encroaching smugness gather from the third last over of that semi on Jarrod’s widening chops. If you’d seen him lean ever so slightly further forward as the penultimate over yielded a succession of 2s, keeping Hussey on strike. If you’d watched with resignation and terror as he leaned back in his armchair, overwhelmed by a grin so mammoth his eyes disappeared into the flabby contours of his ecstatic face as the final apocalyptic six sailed over the mid wicket boundary, you’d know there is no hope. They always win. Because, Ahmer, they are always such bastards.

Ballsing it up at the end of a competition is proper choking. You have to have one hand on the trophy to really choke, to really blow it when there is no reason to do so. Steve Waugh’s famous “How does it feel to drop the World Cup” sledge is wrong, because even if South Africa had won that semi-final, they still had to get into a position to win the final.

No, the real chokers in 1999 were Pakistan, who made their way to the final of possibly the worst World Cup ever staged and then somehow managed to get themselves bowled out for 139 – a score which they spent an agonising 39 overs compiling.

If you want to find the real Kings of Chokeland, look no further than tomorrow’s final. England. Reachers of four international finals. Winners of none.

In 1979, they reached the World Cup final despite clearly not having grasped the idea of 60 over cricket (as it then was). They bowled and fielded like dogs, were spanked around Lord’s by the West Indies, and then opened with Boycott and Brearley playing as if it was a Test match.

Then, in 1987, Gatting played that famous failed reverse sweep and the whole side fell apart, losing from a seemingly impregnable position.

1992 was a slightly different story, as some dreadful umpiring and an inspired Pakistani team took the game from England’s grasp, but in 2004’s Champions Trophy they returned to their losing ways, somehow allowing the West Indies to add 70 runs for the 9th wicket after a Marcus Trescothick ton and three wickets for Andrew Flintoff had made the game theirs.

It is hard to come up with another parallel for choking like this. The only thing comparable in world sport seems to be the Buffalo Bills American Football team, who have lost all three of their Superbowl appearances and did so in three consecutive years during the 1990s. But even that smacks of a short period of choking followed (and indeed preceded) by long periods of mediocrity. To reach four finals in 25 years and blow every one, well, that’s choking on an auto-erotic, orange in the mouth and belt around the neck sort of way.

Yep, the greatest chokers in world sport are the England cricket team. And they are playing in another final today. Can they make it five in a row?

How to beat Australia:

The good news for England is that Pakistan have already shown how to beat Australia, now all England has to do is copy it again and not let 48 runs off the last 17 balls.

Don’t lose early wickets. This is key.  All of Australia’s early wins were dominated by the fact that no matter how many runs they made they knew they would take early wickets. Stop the wickets and you are half way there.

Smash the part timers. There are 8 overs to be bowled between Smith, Watson, Hussey and Clarke, if you score 100 in these 8, the other 12 don’t need to be attacked so hard.

Use your spinners smart.  Australia struggle against spinners, but only at certain times.  As White and Hussey have shown in the last two games, at the end they smash them a long way, what they don’t often do is work them around well earlier in the innings.  I’d use a spinner in the first 4 overs, and between the 6 and 14 over marks.

Yorkers.  Australians don’t improvise as much as others, they still find yorkers hard to score off.

Don’t get Clarke out.  He won’t score at a rate that can hurt you, getting him out will only allow bigger hitting and faster scoring batsmen in.

Target Watson.  If Australia bowl first, you must smash Watson.  Embarrass him.  He is a touchy guy and getting under his skin is important because if he bats for ten overs he will put some serious holes in your bowlers.

Dirk and Tait can’t field.  They are the two weak links in the field, they should be exploited.

Clarke is captain. He looked bad when Pakistan got on top, so England should try that, you’d think.

How to beat England:

Other than Ireland, no one has tested England, but Australia has the team to do it.

England’s openers don’t score much.  While England have been the highest scoring team in powerplays,the openers have only put on one large partnership, KP and Eoin shouldn’t be facing Tait and Dirk early. Australia have to make that happen, and Lumb and Kieswetter will have never faced an attack this fast.

Luke Wright at six. Australia have Steve Smith at eight, he averaged 73 in shield cricket last year.  Luke Wright is a big hitter and an eager man, but him being as high as six is a weakness for England.

Put England under pressure.  England, like Australia before the last match, haven’t been under pressure. In the field the English team has been sniping at each other a bit, maybe with a bit of match pressure that could get worse.

Beat England’s first plan.  Collingwood is not a natural captain, he doesn’t like to do the job, but has been stuck with it.  So far this has been pretty easy tournament for him, but if Australia can unravel the plans Flower has carefully written out for him, he may not be able to think on his feet.

Kieswetter’s strike rate is 112.  While Lumb has been exploding, Kieswetter has been much slower.  Perhaps it was worth keeping him in.

Target the slower balls.  England have used the slower ball a lot, they might not use them as much at Barbados, but if Australia target them it will be interesting to see what the English bowlers will go with.

Take Bresnan and Sidebottom out.  Both bowlers can give you length, if you can take one or both out, England are in trouble.  England is a tight unit, but they can’t afford these two to go for runs.

Lack of match winners.  As Australia have shown, they have match winners to spare, England don’t.  If their team doesn’t all fire, Australia has a chance.

Who will win:

I think Australia will win, but I thought they would beat Pakistan easy, so what do i know.

“Take a dash of Saeed Ajmal.

A Michael Hussey.

Make sure you mix both with a game that for the first time in a long time Pakistan can win.

It helps if the game is a final, especially one that Pakistan have dominated from the third over in the first innings until the 18th over of the second innings.

Then just fly a plane over Pakistan and drop a bunch of razor blades.”

It is just that simple.

Had Australia lost, the Australian suicide kit would have been simple, just a copy of Michael Clarke batting on a loop, and then the Australians would have broken their own necks.

Instead it is Pakistanis who are thinking of offing themselves, and with good measure.

The Pakistani team didn’t just lose, they broke up with their fans last week, then wooed them back with romantic gestures and a promise of a beautiful life together.  Then they only go and sleep with 3 transsexual prostitutes the night before the wedding.

It was more than tragic.

There is something special about Pakistan.  They don’t just lose, they take it to a whole new level, some sort of Greek tragedy directed by Takashi Miike.

48 runs from 2.5 overs with 3 wickets in hand.  You shouldn’t lose a game of cricket from that position, you shouldn’t lose with a ball to spare, you just fucken shouldn’t.

Mike Hussey’s form was wrist splittingly good.

60 off 24 balls.

Even when he was a statistical anomaly he would have struggled to do anything this good.

Ofcourse there was the normal ice cold finish and the eager beaver twos, but the sixes.

Oh the sixes. Everyone was a punch to a Pakistani kid’s grandmother, in the throat.

There were so many sixes. I gave up counting, but I am sure the average grandmother took some hell of a beating.

In the past I’ve had a fair bit to say about M Hussey, mostly about his test form, well, almost exclusively about his test form, but this was fucking amazing. For a player to step up and do that at that stage in a semi final was just off the charts. Ofcourse he may have kept his test spot for life and ensured that Michael Clarke is the next Australian captain. But his heart was in the right place.

I was so excited I was going to give him a Natalie Portman, and I only give them out for truly special performances, but I didn’t think Mike Hussey would be a fan of Portman.

So here is a Molly, as I see her as more his style.

Well done Mr Hussey, today you have ended the life of many Pakistani fans and inspired me to give you a Molly Ringwald.

Look how happy Molly is, she has always said that while Saeed Ajmal is a good bowler, he can be hittable at times.