cricket with balls

Today I saw paradise, heaven and Johnny Cash’s tour bus.

And I saw it all live.

I could smell buddha, touch jesus and share an iced cream with muhammad.

I was skating with angels.

All of this happened in a wonderful place called Dambulla.

The pitch was sticky, the batsmen tentative, and the bowlers on top.

That was until our hero walked in.

That plump little man without a number on his back.

While others tried to bat, he batted.

It was as if he knew one of most devout the sehwagologists was there, and he reached out and touched me.

That is what Sehwag does, he reaches out and touches people, hard.

I could feel his pulsating talent all over me, and so could many others.

If you are a sehwagologist and you’ve seen him fail in real life that means you don’t believe enough.

It means that as a sehwagologist you are struggling.

You’re running tight singles, leaving balls you should be smashing and you aren’t just seeing ball and hitting ball.

Ofcourse, I am not a perfect Sehwagologist either.

I could have seen this balding prophet make his hundred, but something held me back.

Perhaps I’ll never know what it was, but he knew, and thusly he remained on 99*.

It was an important lesson, and one I will treasure.

It meant, you are close, but you don’t quite get it yet, come see me when you do and I’ll make a hundred so good you’ll need three pairs of spare undies.

Today I saw the right way to live through the eternal flame of awesomeness that is Sehwag’s batting.

Life can be tough, he showed us this, but you can still be better than everyone else just by following his teachings.

Now, go, love, fuck, hug and do everything that sehwag has taught us.

You can never go wrong, if you follow his batting.

There are some people who believe that Sehwagology is just a joke, that it isn’t a real religion, and that I just made it up.

Bullshit.

I may have named the spiritual practice, but this was a divine inspiration taken directly from the prophet.

Sehwagology is real, people, I can’t stress that enough.

I have used the sehwagology principles in my life and my strike rate for happiness has never been higher. True fact.

Others have used it to.

Sehwagology is the key to eternal happiness and stunning cover drives.

Generally our man does his best talking with a bat, but occasionally he gives a message with his mouth.

“When I play a cover-drive, I play it to score runs. I don’t play a shot to get out. So, if the cover-drive ends up in a catch at slip, I am spared criticism. If it ends up in the hands at covers, I am slammed. The shot attempted has remained the same, only the mode of dismissal is different.”

Think about it.

Think hard.

Yeah, it’s real good.

I play it to score runs. So much wisdom, in such a small space.

In life, does it matter if you are caught at deep mid-wicket or short leg, you’re going to go out one way or another, maybe it should be going for your personal DLF Maximum.

Things that Sehwagology can help include: love, lust, money matters, problems with the kids, problems with your parents, batting and acne.

If you haven’t converted, think about cover drives, and you will be saved.

Not everyone wants to believe in Quantum mechanics. In order to believe it you have to forget everthing you have ever believed and start boring your friends.

Most people just can’t be assed.

Until yesterday I thought Quantum Mechanics was the biggest load of wank outside of healing crystals.

Now I do not.

And yet again it is our leader of Sehwagology who showed me the way.

Today he cut down the Saffas again.

It was Sehwagology at its best, he was batting in warp speed for a while, then he took a break, before amping up and making the Saffa bowlers look silly.

JP Duminy would not be a popular man tonight (Can’t bat, can’t catch, can bowl).

At one stage Morne Morkel bowled what seemed at the time to be an innocuous short ball wide of off stump, but I should know by now that when watching Sehwag no ball is insignificant.

This ball was cut to the fence.

The story could end there, except that Sehwag is something else.

When his bat hit the cut shot, the ball was on his bat and at the fence, simultaneously.

He hit the ball so hard that he proved a pseudo science true.

Quantum Mechanics (if the film What the bleed do we know kept me awake long enough for me to learn anything) means that things can and are in two places at once.

I don’t know all the details, as Marlee Matlin’s beret was the real philosophical question I remember from that film, but Sehwag definitely had the ball on his bat and on the fence at the same time.

Sorry to blow your mind with this.

People who believe in quantum mechanics usually end up really annoying people at parties, but if Sehwag deemed it important enough to show us, who am I to hide it from you.

I was thinking of renaming it Sehwachanics, but that would be shit.

Enjoy the new world.

To me this is a pretty special day.

The first day I am a printed published author.

Obviously some very special men thought it was a special day as well.

To celebrate this event the GOD Sehwag hit 146 off 102 balls.

Considering our prophet never hardly ever makes runs in one dayers, it is quite clear that he did this in support of me, his loudest cleric.

But it didn’t stop there, is padawan learner Dilshan also stepped in and 160 off 124 came.

That would have been enough.

Two sehwagologists slaying bowlers on this demon of a pitch to celebrate my book.

There was one more surprise though, one more player had something to say.

And not just any player, but the King, King Kumar.

Not a sehwagologist, but a man so cool that watching him bat is like drinking lemonade on a hot day.

He came out and put the cherry on top of the cherries with 90 off 43.

Wow.

I am stunned guys.

I don’t know what to say.

Thank you all very much.

Praise Sehwagology.

And as an extra special miracle the book is now available on flipkart. Sort of.