cricket with balls

As Radiohead almost said*, anyone can score a hundred. Anyone. Jrod’s done it. I’ve done it. Hell, even Monty Panesar has done it. All it takes is timing, a bit of good fortune, a lot of patience and, in my case, the rather benign bowling of your own grandfather.

Scoring a hundred is child’s play. Sachin Tendulkar has almost a hundred of them in international cricket alone, and he’s only 3′6″ in his stockinged feet. Scoring 99 is something special, though. Scoring 99 not out even more so. After all, given the number of hundreds that are scored around the world, how many of them are truly memorable? But a 99? Well, just about everyone remembers those. From Mike Atherton falling flat on his arse against Australia at Lord’s in 1993 (he never did make a hundred there), to Shane Warne butchering his chance of a maiden first class ton against New Zealand in 2001, 99s are the kind of innings that fix themselves in your memory.

An unbeaten 99 is even more special, because history shows it is almost never the fault of the guy who made the runs. Sometimes it is pure ineptness at the other end, like Dewald Pretorius failing to survive two balls from James Kirtley so that Andrew Hall could make his maiden international hundred. At others, it is pure selfishness, like Graham Thorpe denying Alex Tudor the first century by a nightwatchman in Test history, against New Zealand in 1999.

To this list, we can now add Michael Clarke. He may have benefited from the most significant drop in the annals of Australian cricket since Lara Bingle’s knickers hit Brendan Fevola’s shower room floor, but Clarke can take solace in the fact that the only thing which stood between him and a truly forgettable one day hundred was the selfishness of a cheese-faced toddler named Steven Smith. Really, he should be grateful.

(*Radiohead wrote a song called ‘Anyone Can Play Guitar’, and have since devoted their entire career to proving themselves wrong)

Prince Brendon McCullum has finally done what he had leaked, inferred and generally showed us on many an occasion he was thinking about by giving up his role as test keeper.

No keeper since Tim Zoehrer (who often took the gloves off to bowl leggies) has shown such casual regard for the skill that got him into international cricket in the first place.

The Prince is talented, but that talent hasn’t exactly been oozing out of his stats now has it.

In test cricket, the game where he is giving up the gloves, he has made 5 test centuries – 2 against Bangladesh and 1 against Zimbabwe – at an average of 34.  Low.

In one day cricket, where he doesn’t always seem to keep, he has made 2 centuries – 1 against Ireland – at an average of 29 with a strike rate of 87.  Still not special numbers.

In T20 where others keep mostly, he has made 1 century – against Australia – and averages 33 with a strike rate of 126.  Other than a slower strike rat than you’d expect, the man is a fair T20 batsman.

T20 is the only form of the game where Prince Brendon could give up keeping and be a legitimate force right now.

Sure, ditching the gloves might improve his batting, but it might not.  Being an all rounder in any sense might be a burden on your time, but it also gives you freedom.  You can average 34 as a batsman if you have another skill, but who wants a test batsman who averages 34.

I know New Zealand don’t always have the highest standards when it comes to test averages, but 34 is testing them.

According to Assistant coach Mark Greatbatch, “Brendon clearly understands he will only be considered as a test batsman on his long-form batting performances.”

Dictator Dan has been quiet on the announcement.

McCullum may return to keeping in one day cricket.

The cynical cunt nature of me wonders if this isn’t an elaborate test retirement.

His average is not enough to get him an automatic spot, so maybe he plays a few tests, or maybe he doesn’t get picked at all…

If it is an elaborate well staged test retirement, you have to give the man some credit, it is the double indemnity of test retirements.

I fear it is not, and instead it is just a wicket keeper who thinks he can cut it as a test batsman.

I wonder if he can?

Afghanistan – Turned up with a bowling unit that most Minnows would be proud of, but their bowlers also ended up being their batting.

They were very loud, but showed real aptitude, but were kicked out of the library after being caught urinating on the technique books.

Australia – Finally selected a T20 team and got a test player to captain it. Took the gamble on 3 front line bowlers and it worked until their batsmen bottled it in the final.

Bullied their way around the schoolyard, and everyone sucked up to them. Next time they should stay focused until the end of the day.

Bangladesh – Tried hard at times but never had the firepower to scare Australia or Pakistan.

Truancy is a problem, if Tamim isn’t around the rest of the boys lose confidence. Perhaps they were promoted too quickly and could do well if they were to repeat this grade a few times.

England – Was the best performed and coached side in the entire tournament, Wright at six was a gamble, but their middle order stuck around and they deserved to win.

Polite, courteous, well mannered and simply a delight to teach. About time too, before this they were a disorganized bore that should have been spanked daily.

India – Arrived with a hangover, played like they were in a coma, picked the wrong side and then performed like their entire family had been killed by drunk drivers.

Spank them, send them to bed without their dinner, cut all extra curricular activities and make sure you give them a curfew.

Ireland – Showed yet again that they are a plucky yet largely untalented bunch. Bowling display against England was a masterclass in bowling slow seam.

Since Eoin has moved classes the Irish boys have looked slightly stupid, it might be time for remedial studies, again.

New Zealand – At times it felt like they were in the tournament, but that they also weren’t. They beat 2 of the Semi finalists, but not in the semi finals.

A very eager student who would do extra work than required, it was just that their best work was only just a pass.

Pakistan – Were shocking, brilliant and wonderfully insane, just like Pakistan should be. Need a captain, not an excitable poodle.

Were truant at the start of the semester, then came in late doing lots of work to try catch up. They almost passed but it wouldn’t be fair to students who turned up all the time, like M Hussey.

South Africa – had one of the bowlers of the tournament in Charl Langeveldt, and almost no one else. Picked the wrong team, stayed with the wrong teamand then failed to actually chase Pakistan’s total.

These boys are clearly too old for schooling, and didn’t look interested either. Perhaps getting them into the workforce would benefit them.

Sri Lanka – Surfed the wave of Mahela all the way to the finals, but outside of him and some isolated performances they were pretty ordinary.

Had one mature age student who was of no use, a cool student who didn’t seem interested and some experimental student who produced very little. Very disappointed in them.

West Indies – Teams who host these tournaments are usually useless, the West Indies proved that rule.

The entire class sit around waiting for Chris Gayle to do the work, and he can’t always be bothered. Andre Fletcher needs private tuition or home schooling.

Zimbabwe – Had a great array of spinners and almost entirely nothing else. Played good honest cricket, but are missing several components.

They seemed to be driven by fear of being spanked by their parents, but are generally a very poor academic group. I don’t want to alarm anyone, but Ray Price is surely too old to be at school, and I think I saw him beat up the Lunch Lady.

Scott Styris plays his cricket in much the same way the guy who is 15 years older than the majority of a crowd of some suburban beer and pick up joint on a Saturday. He may not still be that good looking, fashionable or even know what the girls are into, but he knows how to be successful.

It isn’t pretty. He has to stay around really late, late for the drunk one whose friends have left and then needs to use every skill he has ever accumulated to get the girl. Even then he needs luck and the lights to be down low.

You also know that Styris gave up the love of a good and dependable wife to chase these vacuous young women around. He is chasing riches and young flesh, this takes time and preparation, it isn’t something you can do when you have a big commitment to something older that ties up your time for a large part of the year.

Watching Styris play against Zimbabwe was some sort of perverse thrill for me. I’ve always been a fan of watching these sorts of old men operate. Once Styris got his hands against the easy prey of the Zimbabwe middle and late order it was a gloriously sleazy encounter as Scott was all over them like a cheap polyester suit.You could smell the musky cologne and brylcreem on him. I never saw it, but I assume he had a gold tooth or a tooth pick in his mouth.

Stryis was dancing to Livin’ la Vida Loca, trapping girls in the corner of the bar and buying drinks like no one’s business.

Zimbabwe weren’t the first and regardless of his age they won’t be the last.

I’ve thought many times that Stryis’s career is over, but I’m always wrong. When you can continue to perform well beyond your use by date and you give up any real pride you can go on achieving moderate success for a long time.

All he needs now is a toupee.

New Zealand

Every world tournament means one thing, ignoring New Zealand’s chances of winning the tournament.

Can New Zealand make the semi finals?

It is their rightful place in world tournaments, so I can only hope so. A team with Dictator Dan, Prince Brendon, Ross Taylor, Jesse Ryder and Shane Bond should do some damage along the way. Dan thinks they can win, and I’ve never had much luck arguing with people in beards.

Players to watch or not

Jesse is back. So is Aaron Redmond.

It should also be mentioned that Rob Nichol has been picked, and from the pic on cricinfo he looks like he is trying to out “metal” Ryan Sidebottom. I’ve never seen him play, or rock out.

Pakistan

They won this tournament 15 minutes ago. Since then the PCB has had some of the greatest hissy fits ever. I am now not even sure if they have 20 players to choose from. Shahid is captain. Nothing can go wrong there.

Can they go back to back?

This is Pakistan, so any real assumption of how they will go should be ignored due to the fact that no one really knows what they will do, least of all them. But I can’t see them winning this time. Shahid is their inspiration, but he does his best as a free spirit roaming the field of play, not as the man you look up to for steely eyed guidance.

Players to watch for or not

Abdul Razzaq is playing so you can marvel at this amazing specimen; he will be the first 50 year old cricketer to play back to back World T20s.

Umar Akmal should be good for youthful aggression and all the hijinks that come from it.

South Africa

This is an international tournament, so they are massive underdogs already. This time they come in with their key T20 weapon as Jacques Kallis. Wow.

Can they win?

Would have to fix a few key problems like the injury to Smith, and the form of Gibbs, Duminy, and Ab DeVilliers. In some ways Bangladesh look like they have a better batting line up when form is mentioned. They still have Morne and Steyn, but hard to see how they could win the tournament coming in with this limping side and that huge ICC sanctioned monkey resting on their shoulders.

Players to watch or not

Juan Theron sounds like he should be staging a coup in Chile. Bowls slow, but good slow, like Chaminda Vaas, except right handed, and less cute.

Loots Bosman was brought into international cricket for the headlines, “England find out who the Bosman is”. Alastair Cook is not a fan.