cricket with balls

Until today, the one thing missing from Sachin Tendulkar’s extensive cricketing portfolio was a proper world record, one that counted for most people.

Ok, so he’s scored more Test tons than anyone else. On the other hand, not one of those 47 hundreds has seen him pass 250. Granted, neither did Border or Waugh, but neither of them aspired to be regarded as the greatest Test batsman of all time.

And when you think of the greatest ODI batsmen of all time, you probably think of the power hitters, the Richardses, Jayasurias and Gilchrists of this world. But not the man who now holds that elusive record for a highest score – and in doing so made the first double hundred in ODI history, too. That latter point is no mean feat – there have been over a thousand more ODIs than Test matches, so it has taken almost as long for someone to make a 200 in ODI cricket as it took someone to make a 400 in the longest form of the game.

It was a very different kind of innings to Lara’s 400, too. That was a knock of pure tedium, one man selfishly grinding his way to a record total in a dead rubber against an attack which included Gareth Batty.

Tendulkar, on the other hand, faced the world’s number one bowler, opened the batting and brutalised an entire attack. It was the cricketing equivalent of shagging someone so long and so hard that you both know you are going to wake up sore in the morning, but keeping doing it because you’re having fun and you know that, in some sort of masochistic way, they are, too.

Whatever you might think of the man, this was one hell of an innings.

Usually in a moment like this I would try and write some epic piece.

Not today.

Sachin Tendulkar made 200* in a one day international.

There is nothing to say.

When you click on the cricinfo link to the scorecard for the Eden Gardens’ test the first name you see is Hashim Amla.

That is just how their live scorecard works.

It isn’t making a statement with his name; he was just not out, after facing a few more than a hundred overs to win a series for his country.

He couldn’t win the series, but India must have realised that in order to win this test they were essentially only a chance when he was at the non-strikers’ end.

490 runs for one out in three innings. That is batting.

Before the English series Amla was averaging a very bland 40 with the bat after 37 tests.

On a older test match sofa podcast I said he had talent but had been a massive underachiever.

Now he has conquered India.

His team hasn’t, but he has.

Sometimes you can play in six tests when you are in form and it changes the trajectory of your career, at other times you will remember them as the six tests when you didn’t suck.

And in these two tests Amla definitely did not suck.

His calm head today made his team mates look like they were panic buying before the Mayan prophecies came true.

This isn’t the strongest Indian attack of all time, but Bhajji was humming, Mishra was more than handy, and it wasn’t like the rest of the South Africans looked like staying in.  Prince offered 23 runs as second highest scorer if you don’t count Extras.

While two tests is still not a series, what two tests these were.

Steyn’s bowling, Amla’s batting, Sehwagology, and Tendulkar’s hundreds all set this up.

Nothing could beat the end of the day.

At one end you had Amla batting like he was made of granite.

At the other end was a collection of leg spin, off spin and Sachin spin trying to pry out South Africa’s former number 8 as the minutes ticked away.

Match winning hauls, stoic defense, amazing attack, all packed into a seriesette.

Plus the result was right.

It proved that no team really deserved to take the crown, but that both teams could kick some ass when they got their shit together.

India are number one, which seems odd when in 50% of this seriesette they were beaten up.

Ofcourse with South Africa now winning 3 of their last 9 tests, India’s record is looking more and more impressive.

In the end the artificial ranking system means nothing, look at the player and crowd reaction to that win, that means more than anything a statistician can table.

Now all I need to do is stop wishing this was a 5 test series…

A couple of years back a dude broke into my house.

Unfortunately I was home at the time.

The dude saw me, ran off and stole a virtually worthless laptop.

He has never come back.

Having intruders in your home sucks a fair chunk of ass.

India recently invited an intruder to their house in a macho manoeuvre to show their superiority, then 11 big bastards turned up and mugged their team.

In the last 10 years India have beaten South Africa at home once, lost once, drawn once, and now can only win or draw.

That must hurt.

India has seen South Africa choke in big tournaments, struggle against England and only win one series against Australia (a team India has done pretty well against).

India have only ever won two series against South Africa, there first was back when I had only had sex once, and was wearing out copy of Basic Instinct on VHS.

The other was over 5 years ago.

It should be mentioned that India are pretty good at home.

So when an intruder (invited or otherwise) comes in to where you are good, and makes you less than good, that is really less than good. Exactly.

India has already given this series up, but a draw is needed to keep some sort of faith.

The way modern test series have gone of late, well at least those with England in them, a win after a loss by over an innings is possible.

India have even tried to pick a test team for this match, although I am pissed off they have abandoned the New Zealand tactic of employing two keepers in a game.

India losing the first test sort of ended this as a legitimate title fight (South Africa ruined their part in it by not beating England at home); the only result that could possibly explain the world of cricket right now would be India winning this test to draw the series.

When the best Test cricket can do is a hasty two test world championship series (if two tests is really a series, and it isn’t) between a side that can’t beat the heavyweights away from home and a side that coming into the series has won 2 of 8 tests it deserves nothing more than a draw.

It doesn’t even deserve Dale Steyn or Sehwag.

Those two should be rested on grounds of unnatural awesomeness.

This series deserves more Paul Harris.

2010: where mediocrity ruled the world.

Buy the book, get a t-shirt, or donate to the whisky fund.

As far as cricket nations go, India was the horny teenager for a very long time.

All elbows, adam’s apples, and pimples, rubbing up against the cricket world in an excitable way, but generally doing their best work at home in their room.

Now they are a young adult, thanks to a lack of viable alternatives and their own maturity, they finally lost their virginity. It wasn’t a great moment, it was messy and unfulfilling, but it gave them the taste.

They wanted to make up for it, to prove to themselves, and everyone else, how manly and virile they were.

So they invited over a lady, one of stature and seemingly fading beauty.

It probably wasn’t the best time; they just weren’t in the best of shape.

The date was already set, no getting out of it, so they endeavor to conquer this voluptuous blonde mixed race beauty.

She arrives in disarray; emotionally she is ready to be consummated.

Problem is, physically and mentally, India are just not right.

From the moment she takes her coat off India can’t get anything right, they give her two spoons with her meal, which makes no sense.

Then they let her talk for what seems like days, the conversation just goes on and on, India never really participates. It bores India, and it wishes it would end, but India can do nothing to stop it.

Finally India interjects, but instead of praising the woman, India manages to insult her.

This angers the lady and she goes into a rage that essentially ends India’s chance at making of the love.

Even though she ends India’s chances early, she sticks around and really drills into India what could have been, enforcing her point.

India end up on their own again, it is not the end of the world.

There will be other ladies, India has plenty of time, but might have to spend a bit more time in its room alone.