cricket with balls

While some people have been watching the Dirk Nannes League I’ve been watching the Bangladesh England test for test match sofa (as I will be for the rest of the test).

It may not have cheerleaders and Lionel Ritchie, but it does have Shakib Al Hasan.

I’ve been a fan of his for a while now, but in this match he has performed some amazing feats.

Winning the toss and bowling even though you have four spinners in your team.

Bowling himself for the most overs even though his best ball for two days was naked junk.

Spreading his field regardless of the situation of the game.

Fielding like it was his first experience with a cricket ball, including dropping a catch.

Then batting for stumps with aplomb until closing his eyes and skipping down the wicket to give up his wicket only for his team to use a nightfuckingwatchman for a number 7.

If you told me he finished the day by sleeping with another player’s wife or burnt down a nandos on the way home I’d believe you.

Moyo captained an awful game in Sydney, but compared to Shakib in this game Moyo is the Robocop of captains.

If I was Jamie Siddons I would rip the limbs off Imrul Kayes and beat Shakib with them.

Which is a win/win situation.

You know how it is with some people. Just when you think you have them, that they’ve given you a nice easy article to write about how, say, any talk of them not being able to play left arm spin is just bollocks, and what do they go and do? They go and get themselves bowled by a sodding left arm spinner, and on 99 to boot.

And then you think “Well, that’s not too bad, I can write about him butchering another hundred by slogging” and have to remind yourself that he was bowled having a tame little prod at the ball.

Heck, the guy even teased us by hammering his way from 80 to 94 in the space of five balls from Shakib Al Hasan, leading everyone to think that a skied slog to mid-off was only moments away. Instead of which he went into his shell and played with uncharacteristic caution, nurdled another five runs and then got himself out.

But that’s the thing about KP. He disappoints you in so many new and original ways. Like back at the start of his career, when every time you thought he was going to beat his Test best, he would run himself out. Or having a massive hissy fit and quitting as captain, just as he was starting to make a decent fist of it. And you don’t even have to build him up in order for him to disappoint. He’s quite capable of doing that all by himself.

And then he goes and ruins my bloody articule, too. I was all set to point out that only 12 of his Test dismissals have been to left armers and that, whilst some of those have been to purveyors of utter filth, such as Paul Harris, Ryan Hinds and Yuvraj Singh, a third of them were to Daniel Vettori at a time when he pretty much was the New Zealand bowling attack. But now he’s gone and got himself bowled by a man who, at the time, had a bowling average of 87.43.

Bastard. Evil, evil bastard.

As the hours tick down towards the start of their oh-so-tricky first Test against Bangladesh, England’s selectors are apparently enduring sleepless hours wondering who to leave out from the side.

So far, the only people certain not to be in the starting XI are Luke Wright and Stephen Davies. Even Liam Plunkett might get a call, on the grounds that (a) Stuart Broad might not be fit and (b) he’s the next most-capped bowler in the side – which would mean adopting the age-old English policy of going for experience despite the player having been resolutely crap for the entire tour.

Which means that they have to play Broad, because otherwise they have to play someone slightly less threatening than Angelina Ballerina. Except they can’t play him as a part of a two man pace attack, in case his back goes again.

In which case they have to play Finn, despite his being likely to blow away at the first gust of wind, because they have to play Bresnan, if only to ensure that there is some food left come the intervals.

But if they play three seamers, they have to leave out either a spinner or a batsman. Which means either leaving out Swann (unthinkable), the leading wicket taker on this leg of the tour (Tredwell), the guy who scored a ton in the last game (Trott), the only specialist opener in the side other than the captain (Carberry) or Ian Bell, who hasn’t really done anything to justify being dropped. For once.

And before anyone starts, you’ve more chance of catching Andy Flower climbing out of the back entrance of Robert Mugabe than you have of him dropping KP.

Never fear, though. Because the Balls has the answer. There isn’t one England player who isn’t taller than any given member of the Bangladesh starting XI – even Bell. And when you get to a certain height, your features must just be fading into the distance, like mountain tops. Which means that England should just take advantage of their opponents being a bit on the short side and just play Broad. And then, if he starts falling apart again, slip Finn onto the field in his place. A bit of hair dye and no-one will ever know.

And then the selectors can get a decent night’s sleep and stop coming up with stupid ideas such as Trott opening, or dropping Tredwell on a track prepared for their opponents’ 1283 spinners.

I freely admit that, fortunately, I have absolutely no idea what sex feels like for a woman, let alone what really bad sex feels like for one. But I am pretty sure that it goes something along the lines of a long, slow, build-up that sets every nerve ending on edge, followed by frenetic excitement which builds towards a tremendous moment of ecstasy and release of tension, only for the other party to get there first and finish off, just as you were about to meet your own glorious climax.

I’m also pretty sure that this must be how the Bangladesh side are feeling right now, having had England explode prematurely all over them in Dhaka.

Only Shakib Al Hasan knows why, when his spinners had taken 7 of the 8 England wickets to fall, he entrusted the final over to a quick bowler, Shafiul Islam, who was at that point not only his most conventional bowler, but his most expensive one. England’s tailenders had already shown that they couldn’t play spin. Wright, Bresnan and Swann had all perished to the most moronic of shots. Shakib himself had been played like he was the reincarnation of Hedley Verity and, although he had no overs of his own left, he had Mahmudullah and Naeem Islam available to bowl and to keep the pace off the ball.

Instead, Eoin Morgan, England’s least conventional batsman, took full advantage as Shafiul wilted under the pressure, seeing England to a win that ended up being far more comfortable than they deserved.

It is doubtful that they will make the same mistake again. Then again, it is doubtful that England will bat that badly again, either. Bangladesh had showed what needed to be done. Every batsman bar Aftab Ahmed (whose continued inclusion in the side is more baffling than anything Shakib bowled) played themselves in before making runs. For England, Kieswetter, Pietersen and Collingwood, as well as the three mentioned above, all fell to poor shots played before they were properly in. There aren’t many attacks in the world in which you could chuck six wickets away with gay abandon and still win – and if this Bangladesh side keep improving at their current rate, no side will be able to be this careless in the future, either.

In the end, though, whilst the performance may have been a lot better, it was still England who went away sated and Bangladesh who were left crying into their pillow.

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The ICC has its test rankings involving numbers and nerds.  Not Interested.  So I came up with my own.  They mean nothing, but neither do the ICCs and mine took less time.  They also aren’t numbered for a reason, because that would be stupid.   You can date the bottom girl on this list (actually make that second bottom) and have a great time, and perhaps have a shit time with the second lady.

Natalie Portman –

There is no outstanding test side at the moment, so no one gets the Portman from me.

Kate Winslet – India

Capable of great things, clever, classy and hot.  But how many really cool films has Winslet been in?  Has the potential to be the perfect partner, but would it kill her to be a curvy sexy ninja in a Rodriguez flick?  Best of the bunch at the moment, but still has improvement in her.

Suicide girls – South Africa

They are hot, edgy and look great in photo shoots. When you are seeing a midnight showing of Donnie Darko they are the ideal partner, but leave them up to their own good and, well, they aren’t called the suicide girls for nothing.  Do you want to spend your time hiding the razors?

Cute girl on the train – Australia

It seems like a great idea, but what do you know about the cute girl on the train.  Sure, she likes Palahniuk, is wearing a cwb t-shirt and seems to be listening to Coltrane, but she could be nuts.  Cuteness and good taste in popular culture are important, but for every hip thing about her, there will be something you don’t know about, like how she breeds rats to kill them while you have sex with her.  She could turn out great, but she could be bi-polar.

Ellen Page – Sri Lanka

Has raw natural cuteness and talent.  Yet is still a little odd looking.  Not in a bad way, but from certain angles you question yourself.  Your main concern is her never-ending journey to be the coolest person in the room, we get it Ellen, just stop being a wanker for 5 minutes and be in an adult movie.

Plain girl in the office – England

Easy to overlook, but could be the one.  Obviously not as attractive as movie stars or with the hipster taste of the cute girl on the train, but suits you better than most.  Can you really afford to shun her just because she wears cardigans?  Although it must be said, she is not a good cook.

Brody Dalle – West Indies

Rock and roll.  Big highs, but scary lows.  There is something that draws you in, you’re not sure what, and it could be illegal, but she is supercool and has access to free drugs and booze.  Might only keep you around for a short time, but it could be fun.  Until the come down.

A chick on roller skates with bright pink hair in pigtails – Pakistan

She looks awesome, but she wears roller skates. That isn’t safe, what if she is rolling up to you and she falls headfirst onto your lap.  That wouldn’t be good.  The wow factor wouldn’t be any good when you have been hit in the nuts, and if you are hurt bad and you need medical supplies, the girl with the roller skates cannot be trusted.  Practically roller skates are always going to end in tears.

Joan Cusack – New Zealand

Not conventionally attractive that is true, but funny, and who would try harder.  The laughs will get you through. Sure she has a relative way more better looking and richer, but he is a dude.  Could be a keeper, because if you stay with Joan you’d have funny intelligent chirpy moderately successful children, although watch out for twins.

Your mate’s teen sister – Bangladesh

Dude, she isn’t even legal.  Look away.  But check back in three or four years, just in case.