cricket with balls

The Ijaz Butt Plug is from the latest Pakistan Premium Silicone collection from the PCB.

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The smooth and graduated shaft of this classic shaped Anal Butt Plug has been honed for 76 years and is soft to the touch and becomes extremely slippery when lubricated.

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Each of the Pakistan Silicone products certainly stands out from the crowd and we guarantee that nothing will fuck you harder than this item.

Not for children.

Size / Dimensions : 25 inches x 66 inches

Watching Pakistan play cricket was a special thrill for me.

When I was growing up India seemed effeminate, Sri Lanka rubbish, New Zealand grim, South Africa robotic, England shambolic, the West Indies faded and Australia predictable.

Then there was Pakistan.

They could be effeminate too, but also masculine as fuck. They could be rubbish, but gloriously rubbish. They were never really grim, even when they were. Robotic is not a word that comes to mind. Shambolic, offcourse, but shambolic in a farcical comedy sort of way. They weren’t faded, there was always an alleged teenager coming through. And they were predictable in that you knew they would been involved in something stupid.

This was just how Pakistan was during the 90s.

And I loved it.

Now their on field performances, not including Sydney at least, are for more bland. They still collapse like no one can, but it seems to be lack of skill, not because of Pakistani flair. There captaincy rollercoaster seems to be mostly given to men with little personality. Their bad days in the field are still amazing, but yet again they miss that wonderful craziness they once had.

The current Pakistani side is a cheap knock off of that one in the 90s.

That should be disappointing me. Luckily someone has stepped into the breach and is giving me the crazy fucked up farce that I require.

The PCB.

Sure the players are involved, but as a trigger for the madness off the field.

It takes a special organisation to leak a story about genital warts of one of their employees, and I shouldn’t say leak, because a press release isn’t a leak. Then to back a player who travels with opiates, who has had trouble with drugs before. To allow their captain to quit over match fixing and infighting. To pick Shahid Afridi as captain. Ban their own players from the IPL in a moral argument.

I’m going to stop there. Because that list could go on forever.

Even for the PCB this latest nonsense is a cluster bomb of fuck.

And while it is sad for a team that I have always loved, it is as funny as sports administration can get.

The PCB has now became one of those politically incorrect comedians who has very little funny material, but every now and then stumbles onto a funny joke when they are just trying to offend.

Although maybe I should thank Pakistan for two decades of entertainment.

Everytime the PCB does something like this I cry, sometimes in laughter, sometimes in pain.

If you have ever thought, jeez that Jrod is a bastard, I’d love to see him black & blue, bleeding from the eyeball or crying in pain, here is your chance.

I have stupidly agreed to face Iain O’Brien for charity. The charity I have chosen is the Zimbabwe Aids trust. Which could be funny if I start pissing blood afterwards or I get hit in the balls.

The date is yet to be announced yet as we are waiting for the practice pitches at Lord’s to be ready for such an important event. I do know that equipment wise I will be wearing a helmet, box, thighpad, gloves and pads. Nothing more.

This will be carnage. I am not a terrible batsman, but neither am I any good.

The whole event will be filmed by the Test Match Sofa team, who will also commentate and laugh.

So if you donate you will actually get the extra pleasure of seeing me get hurt on your dime, how could you resist?

It’d be nice if you donated, it is a great charity and I think I will have earned your money.

For the next few days there will be no posts on cricket with balls.

Without wanting to get into details, Mrs cricket with balls has some issues that I need to help with.

Sure she could get through it on her own, instead I have decided to take some time off work to help her.

This makes me a great husband, even if it means that I will not be doing my job for the next few days.

Some of you might think I’m putting my personal life above my job, but this is not an easy decision.

During this time I would appreciate it if you don’t speculate what the personal reason is, and just give us our privacy.

Thank you.

I assume you are an international or first class cricketer and that you’ve come here looking for tips on how to write a player diary. I’ve put together a cheat sheet for you. In it is all the basics you will need to make sure that book is so formulaic no sponsors will leave you.

- Employ a ghostwriter. Pick a writer who is not that famous but who is skilled as a ghostwriter. You obviously won’t want to sit down and write, that is for angry talentless people, so you need a ghostwriter. Find one who thinks you are great, and then sit down with him for two days. From there, the book writes itself.

- Teammates. All your teammates are great. Some might be out of form, but they train hard and will come back. Some might be in trouble with the law, but that donkey they fucked clearly consented before the group sex, and the boys obviously thought it was male. You can never put enough praise on them; after all, they are the greatest bunch of blokes you have played with, every single one of them. Use their nicknames as well; make us feel like part of the team.

- The media. They don’t really understand you. Even though your writer is part of the media, and you are talking to him now, you hate them all. They say you live in a bubble, but they do. They make things up, blow things out of proportion and end the career of hard working, hard living cricketers. Question their sexuality as well.

- Your Hotel. All fans of yours will really want to know every detail of your hotel.

- Ex-cricketers. The problem with ex-cricketers is that they forget about the pressure. You should really drill this home. Once a guy leaves cricket he will start to bag you, so bag the fucker back. If he says you are shit, question his record, or personal life. All ex-players turn evil (join the media), so abusing them is ok.

- Your family. Even if your wife and children are annoying fuckers, you must say you miss them at least thrice on every tour. Also put in some details about how much your kids have grown/changed/etc and how your wife is such a terrific wife.

- Famous people. If, during the period of the diary or near enough, you met someone famous in another field, include that, and then say really nice, but meaningless, things about meeting them. Then get them to write a boring meaningless foreword as well.

- Charity work. Even if the only charity you believe in is fucking the odd ugly fan, you cannot release a book about yourself without mentioning some charity work. The best charities should be about cricket and or cancer. If you can’t come up with one, I always thought a cricket testicular cancer charity called, “One short”, could work.
- Apologia. Think of the book as your chance to explain all of your actions. No one can interject or use logic to stop you, your book is one long explanation for everything you have done wrong, well, that others think you’ve done wrong.

- Opposition players. If there is an opposition player that pisses you off, don’t get snippy with them in a press conference, do it in your book. If you are particularly angry, it means free publicity.

- Praise the fans. This may surprise you, but most people in cricket don’t like you, so use your book to suck up to the fans. Start each chapter with, “the fans at (enter place name here) are some of the most passionate and informed fans in cricket.

- Your name. You are famous; your name will sell shit. Put it large on the cover, and ignore the ghostwriter. He is no one, you are a cricketer.