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equatorI hate to start your new year with a bummer, but I have been told a terrible piece of information, and how could I keep it from you?
The ICC has had enough of cricketers. Especially the ones we like, the ones with human emotions.
They thought that the Probot craze of the mid 2000s would catch on, but with their prize probot struggling, M Hussey, they now know a more aggressive approach is needed.
Which is why over the last few years they have been introducing Japanese Humanoid Robots into international cricket.
They are easy to spot, but hard to distinguish from probot cricketers, or shit cunts.
So far, I am told, only a few teams have them, but I haven’t been given a list of players who are in fact Japanese Humanoid Robots.
Ofcourse it would be rude of me not to take a guess at a rough list.
Nathan Hauritz – explains a lot really. Why Australia kept forcing him in the side and why they picked a finger spinner out of club cricket.
Grant Elliott – explains why he looks like a Hollywood c-lister and came from another country.
Brendan Nash – The real Brendan Nash is probably back packing around Peru talking up that 90 odd against Victoria in a shield final. The Robo-Nash has “Team Nash” behind him; obviously this is a fake ICC MacGuffin.
There could be others as well.
The ICC now has cricket where they want it, on flat tracks with high scores, their priority is playing 2020 tournaments every 9 months, and 2020 is a circus in and of itself.
You might think that the Japanese Humanoid Robots that I have outed are a bit rubbish, but the ICC are working on better ones.
These potential early prototypes are programmed to follow every rule, regulation and law to the letter, and spirit of the law. They will never get upset, have no run ins, every umpiring decision will be accepted and when interviewed will behave in a proper way not upsetting any ICC administracrat or sponsor.
The next step is to make them good at the cricket lark, so they don’t look so obvious. Before long the ICC will have them all bowling the carrom ball at 90 miles and hitting sixes with the bat handle up their asses.
No contention, aggression or subversion, just lovely Japanese Humanoid Robots entertaining us with family friendly entertainment.
I can’t wait. I say fuck the humans, get the Japanese Humanoid Robots in now, the cricket might be poor for a while, but once these robo-cricketers get their groove on they are going to be so much better than human cricketers.
Before we do, we should make sure the ICC representatives are replaced with, oh, never mind.
Surly you’ve missed Paul “bad-robot” Harris from the list? Or was that a top three and he’s number 4? Having said that, although he bowls like a robot, I’m sure I saw him getting cross once … or was that Andre Nel again?
Harro’s not a robot – his bowling to Clarke was a highlight of the series in South Africa for me. Not the bowling itself, but his good-natured needling of Pup. However, AB de Villiers (much as I heart him) is a robot if there ever was one. If you want a pre-scripted, remember-all-the-sponsors, compliment-the-opposition-even-if-they’re-Scotland post-match speech, AB’ll provide one. Kallis is surely a robot as well, can’t remember him showing emotion ever.
If you wanted a robot umpire, you might like to pick Aleem Dar. I’ve only seen him smile once, and even then it was reluctant.
The MG´s last blog ..I explain myself
Not much flat pitches with high scores today. The good ol’ Aussie colla*se in the face of good swing and seam bowling. Crunch.
Asif is King. Long live Asif.
I suspect he has just destroyed Marcus North’s test career. Not Hussey’s though. Nothing destroys Husseys.
And someone take a big stick to Punter in the nets, every time he pulls for glory, please.
There will have to be a failed rear-guard action in the second innings probably involving some dodgy panic driven run-outs.
We really have turned into England.
@vim – another false dawn? i wish the visiting teams had the sense to arrange more practice matches before a test series in oz. if they would only survive the first test, australia wouldn’t be such a tough place to tour.
Sunny, I don’t understand it myself. two matches would always be better than one, and three better than two.
False dawns indeed. I am sort of pleased in a perverse way as hopefully they can’t pretend anymore that all is well in the Oz camp and that it is only because our ‘attack’ is ineperienced that we lose matches.
Did you see any of it? The bowling was fantastic. I am a big Asif fan anyway, and he just confirmed his ability to make it ‘talk’, but there was some real culpability with the shot selection. Punter and Haddin should feel embarrassed.
@vim – yeah…the bowling lineup has been winning the games if anything. the batting order seems to collapse every second innings. i hope though that phil hughes survives. it would be a shame if he gets lost because the selectors can’t seem to make some tough calls in the middle order.
i was a bit disappointed with asif in the boxing day test but today he lived up to his reputation. funny they didn’t play sami earlier though. one just hopes that he has grown from his past mistakes and the only joints that are of concern are his ankles. with waqar and aaqib javed handling the fast bowlers for pakistan, things can only blossom.
ponting gets a bad rap for his tactics but his decisions after winning the toss lately have been bizarre. it cost the ashes, and could possibly cost this match.
I don’t know about Hughes opening. He has no defence that I have noticed. You need at least a semblance of one if you are going to open at international level.
Unless North plays a match-winning innings second-time round, he’ll be gone I think. Hussey can do what he wants for as long as he wants, they won’t drop him.
As can Punter whose form is pretty well shite as well. His shot selection… 2 awful decisions today, one to hand over the green top to the Pakistan bowlers and then one to hand over his wicket. I hope the hubris coming from the Oz camp will now cease for a while.
@vim – hughes has no business being an opener. hussey / katich should be opening. punter, clarke, north, hughes, haddin, watto, johnson, little nathan, sizzle, bollinger to follow.
if hussey says no to this nip / tuck, tell him to piss / off. north was preferred for his off spinners but katich is back and more dangerous.
in the past decade aust have had the luxury of ready built cricketers. they have to realise that the likes of hughes cannot be just thrown into the deep end. but i don’t think he will learn much in shield cricket anymore. only good coaching in the national team can bolster his batting. or a series against the windies + toygers.
Jrod – from the BBC obo coverage today. It’s a bit spooky.
1249: SA 131-5
Picture-perfect at Newlands, the sun sharp, the lager-beers crisp, the bikinis beguiling. Broad in at pace – Shark Kallis the kalmest man out there, seeing off the maiden, unflappable like a steel spinnaker.
From Matthew Sharples, TMS inbox: “Did my ears just deceive me? Was that Prior shouting ‘Nice Swannatron, come on the machine!’ Am I missing something here?”
Ravindra Jadeja is another one. Bats and bowls with no flair, excitement or anything thats related to a human being in any way.
I didnt see this one coming but nice observation. Since these robots follow some form of the Moore’s law they’ll be ruling the world in not much time…
Maybe they should use these robots to decide whether to bat or bowl first after the humans have won the toss!
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