cricket with balls

The first reason why I should be coach is I am not scared of kicking the ass of the “stars”.

The important moment in the film Swingers is when Mike’s friend Sue goes gangsta on a bunch of dudes, and then turns on Mike and gives him a spray about his life.

He uses the phrase little whiney bitch repeatedly.

This causes Mike to go into a sort of self induced orange juice coma for a few days, then he snaps out of it and ends up dancing to the big bad voodoo daddy band with Heather Graham.

Everyone likes Mike, everyone wants to tell him he is money, everyone trying to cheer him up or be the shoulder to cry on, but clearly all he needed was a tremendous kick in the asshole.

Brendon McCullum has a lot in common with Mikey. Like most kiwi cricketers he is likeable, everyone wants to see him do well and he has an emotional hurdle to over come.

Life hasn’t treated him well of late.

He had to lead the KKR in their marvellous shit storm of a season. Has been blamed for the IPL/NZC contract dispute. Lost his job as Vice Captain. And now is in danger of losing his job as one day opener.

I can see how he would be a little down at the moment. He thinks life is against him, and that he is just shit out of luck, but if he thinks that then he is missing the point.

In all forms of cricket he averages about 30. He almost never makes hundreds, his strike rate (2020 aside) is not awe inspiring, and more often than not he teases rather than wins games. No one of his talent should have an average of 30. He should be travelling around the world kicking ass, not shuffling through cricket without ever doing any real damage.

I like him, but I am always drawn back to his record, and then I sigh.

He needs a monumental kick up the ass. As coach it is my job to kick any asses that need kicking.

“Runs, Motherfucker. Runs. That is what we all want. Forget about leadership, contracts and Shah Ruh Khan, just give us the fucking international fucken runs that you have in you, make them as hundreds not cameos, don’t give us that I’m trying as hard as I can face, give us runs. RUNS. We just don’t care about all the other shit, go out, hit the ball hard, us your talent, shake your self up becauae I am so sick and tired of looking at your record and sighing. New Zealand have a queue of blokes who could keep and average 30, you can do so much fucken more, so fucken do it, stop looking sorry for yourself and just get out there and show us why you are PRince fucken Brendon. Fucken hell, if Brendan Nash had your talent he’d be fucking Don Bradman riding a white stallion and playing in Vegas. You’ve got at least five fucken more years of International cricket, abuse it, molest it, fuck it, just fucking make a mark for fucks sake, you cunt. “

If this doesn’t work I’ll make him 12th man for 10 straight matches. Or Craig McMillan’s butler.

All we want is to see Prince Brendon metaphorically dancing with Heather Graham to swing music. That is not too much to ask for.