cricket with balls

The other day, a little flyer popped into my letterbox.

MISSING: Dirty Dirk Nannes

LAST SEEN: “Apparently, last seen boarding a plane to Japan to (not) ski … before fattening his wallet in the UK”.

APPEARANCE: Bearded.

REWARD FOR INFORMATION: a photo of Natalie Portman, autographed by Jrod, OR a photo of Jrod, autographed by Natalie, depending on gender of finder.

Well, with a reward like that, how could I not try to win. So, I began my quest to find him.

I understood from my informer, Deep Throat, that he likes falling over a lot. So the first stop was a bouncy castle at a fair.

However, when I described the nature of the mision in order to garner a search party from amongst my fellow detectives, they all said “bearded man frequenting funfairs on his own? Nah, this is specialist stuff luv, you wanna go up to the 5th floor for the people who do that”.

Next stop was a CAMRA festival, as he is a bearded man. But when I showed them the picture, they said “Call that a beard? I’ve seen more convincing beards standing next to Tom Cruise”.

Next, I tried walking the street wearing an “I’m Looking For Dirty Dirk” tshirt. Maybe the text was too small or something, but all I got was “right here, baby!”. Over and over again. And none of these people were Dirk.

Someone asked me “well where did you leave him?”. I did explain that if I knew that, he wouldn’t be lost.

Someone else said “you’ll find him in the last place you look, you mark my words!”. I did explain that this was the case with any kind of search, as people do not generally continue looking for something after they have found it.

I had nearly given up hope. I’d been around the world (it seemed), but I I I, I couldn’t find my Dirty Dirk. This quest was as ill-advised as Gwyneth Paltrow’s pink Ralph Lauren Oscar dress.

Then I remembered that when you have lost something and can’t find it, you’re supposed to look in the place where you least expect to find it. So I tried Middesex’s starting XI.

No joy there even.

But on the way out of Lords, in the pouring rain, I almost tripped over a huddled figure seated on the ground wrapped in a blanky. I avoided eye contact, but then he said “spare some change, miss?” and something about the rising intonation at the end of his sentence made me turn round and look, and there he was! I’ve never been any good at “Name That Bum“, but today I’d hit the jackpot.

He said “all I wanted was a game, just a game of cricket”. So I gave him a copy of International Cricket Captain 3.

“Oh” he said. “Version 2 is better”.

I said “Dirk, Dirk, Dirk. You know what I’m going to say, don’t you. Yes, that’s right. Someone like you who is destitute in the street asking for a game is not in a position to express a preference as to what kind of game”.

Dirty Dirk, if you’re out there, come say hello. This is a safe place.

*A HUGE cricketwithballs thank you to Ceci for her brilliant photoshop work.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside

Tagged as: dirk nannes, miriam, natalie portman

21 Comments

1. ceci  •  May 7, 2008 @23:14
   

   I am so drawn to the bearded one. I feel he is more misunderstood than Harmy and his sobriquet “Dirty” leads me to hope for some Antipodean fun and japes.

   And Tom Cruise is not the manliest of men? You learn something new at cricketwithballs EVERY day!

2. Miriam  •  May 7, 2008 @23:32
   

   Ceci, I know EXACTLY what you mean about Dirty Dirk.

   Re Tom Cruise, I must stress that I was simply quoting the CAMRA guys. The views they express do not necessarily represent those of the author, etc etc.

3. Stickywicket  •  May 8, 2008 @08:45
   

   Who is bristlier – Nicole or Katie? I conducted an in depth poll by asking MrStickywicket, only to disturbingly discover that he’d like to shave Penelope Cruz.

4. Suave  •  May 8, 2008 @09:08
   

   Oops. maybe it’s all my fault!

   I kicked a bum outside Lords for having the temerity to ask for a sip of my champagne!
   The bally cheek.

5. Leg Break  •  May 8, 2008 @09:41
   

   Miriam,

   That’s a really good post. Think how good you could become if you didn’t waste time navigating the early pubescent world of Facebook…

6. Miriam  •  May 8, 2008 @09:51
   

   Leg Break, I can’t imagine a higher standard of post.

7. nashy  •  May 8, 2008 @11:01
   

   He signed for Middlesex, lucky team. OBviously he is going to go oer to Switzerland to ski halfway through the season.

   How come Future PM and CWB’s Nice Bryce added you as a friend on facebook and not me??

8. nashy  •  May 8, 2008 @11:03
   

   Maybe one should read a whole post before commenting but I’m like a Victorian batsman, I couldn’t be stuffed concentrating. ICC 2002 is the best

9. Jrod  •  May 8, 2008 @11:09
   

   Nashy, will enjoy Nicholas Natanui, is that you?

10. nashy  •  May 8, 2008 @11:11
    

    Yes

11. Jrod  •  May 8, 2008 @11:12
    

    Then you are my friend.

12. Miriam  •  May 8, 2008 @11:14
    

    Nashy, couldn’t be stuffed concentrating? Honestly, after all the trouble I went to, breaking up the paragraphs for you people.

13. nashy  •  May 8, 2008 @11:14
    

    Yeh but I’d rather be a friend of Furture PM or Bryce, no offence.

14. Jrod  •  May 8, 2008 @11:16
    

    Then ask them, i see your already a little facebook cricket stalker, so it shouldn’t be a stretch for ya.

15. nashy  •  May 8, 2008 @11:22
    

    “Little Facebook cricket stalker”-Half my friends are cricketers or footy players. I was the one who told Trevor Bayliss about Pomersbach’s drinking thanks to facebook photos. Ivé asked them, they don’t seem interested

16. Jrod  •  May 8, 2008 @11:24
    

    Good stuff.

    I don’t know anyone.

17. Miriam  •  May 8, 2008 @11:32
    

    It’s true Nashy, he doesn’t even know me.

18. Stickywicket  •  May 8, 2008 @15:38
    

    I believe that Stuart Broad is the current Holy Grail of cricket facebook friends- many ask, but few receive his patronage.

19. Anonymous  •  May 8, 2008 @16:05
    

    Version 2 Is better.

20. Miriam  •  May 8, 2008 @17:51
    

    Anonymous, is that you Dirty Dirk? Again, I’m sorry, but Version 3 was all I had on me.

21. Mr D Nannes  •  Jun 30, 2008 @20:16
    

    Please one and all, come and join the Dirty Dirk revolution!!

    http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=15609623654

    For there is no greater than the bearded one….