cricket with balls

This is a remix of my proboters theory, thanks to Dinnie for encouraging it.

Every cricket generation a new breed of cricketer evolves. Like the fish growing legs and apes having $ex for pleasure.

The 30’s gave us the run machines.

The 80’s gave us the perfect all rounders.

And the naughties, the 00’s or whatever you call them, has given us the Proboters.

A proboter is a PROfessional roBOT cricketER.

Their king is Michael Hussey, a man whose talent seems to be only marginally better than the average first class cricketer, but whose results make Ricky Ponting and Inzy look below par.

Michael Hussey is not a bad batsmen, his technique is solid enough, his eye pretty sharp, but it’s his instincts as a robot that separate him from the pack.

He slogs over midwicket like a normal batsmen, but some how when he does it, it doesn’t have any real danger to it. Only a proboter could suck the fun out of slogging.

While he is King, he also has a large number of minions infecting the current game.

Jacques Kallis, the man who bats as if his average is more important than life itself. He could make a calculator look exciting.

Mahela Jayawardena, his batting is pretty, perhaps a little safe and nice. Not so probotic, but it’s his captaining that gets him on this list. He sounds as if he came straight from a corporate positive speaking seminar.

Brad Hodge, he is the Michael Hussey without the Mr Nice guy programming, oh and without the baggy green type thing.

Paul Collingwood is the man that makes you appreciate how great KP and Freddy are. The man can often look more out of his depth at this level than a pygmy dwarf with no hands, but he makes runs, not a bucket full, but enough of them, consistently.

Shaun Pollock, Stuart Clark and Chaminda Vaas are all bowling machines. Line, length, no real anger, no real emotions, even their celebrations are usually calculated. But they are all wicket machines.

A proboter can even be an attacking cricketer, like the aforementioned men, but they only attack when the odds have been carefully calibrated in their favour.

They graft out runs.

They place balls into gaps, along the ground or scoop the ball in the emptiest parts of the paddock.

They nudge, run hard and convert 1’s into 2’s, 2’s into 3’s and generally play the game in a way that mathematician could enjoy.

If Symonds, Gayle, Yuvraj and Afridi are the wild beast men of the game, then the proboters are the layers and accountants.

Forget squash balls, monkey chants, 2020 underwear cricket, dodgy Indian bookmakers, Australia’s dominance of world cricket, chucking records or Martin Crowe press conferences, this is the biggest danger to world cricket at the moment.

World cricket doesn’t need these problems right now, it’s boring enough as it is.

Measured, exact, precise, and calculated aren’t words that are going to get anyone erect.

Oh and as a side note, by no means do I think they are bad cricketers, boring but not bad, most of the players listed are in elite class at the moment, they just don’t make me wanna turn the telly on.

Give me a Gayle swipe or a Shaun Tait wide anytime.

And feel free to use this term when impressing your father in law or that know it all dude at the office.